Louder than bombs

VG

2010-03-12T03:43:00.000-08:00

Long story how I came across this

2009-11-12T15:37:00.000-08:00

I'd say some have TCS more than others actually

Question.

2009-10-30T21:38:00.000-07:00

Would you, given the chance go back in time and kill Hitler? Like in 1938 at a big rally? The chances of your survival are minimal but you end up saving millions of people. This comes to my mind as a certain 'Louder then Bombs" contributor wants to dress up as him for halloween.

Is this a morally acceptable thing to do? In both “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban” and “Back to the future” the characters who are doing the time travelling, (Hermione Granger and Marty Mcfly) respectively are told by the minstry of magic and Doc Brown to not alter the events of time as it may have disastrous consequences for their futures, as we see when Marty begins to disappear when he stops his parents first meeting and chance to fall in love. So what about changing one of the most historically significant events ever?

And if you did it that early on in the period, people wouldn’t have known how bad he was. So in history he would have been considered a great leader for Germany, therefore you would probably be considered in the same way as Lee Harvey Oswald and the guy who killed John Lennon are.

It would still be pretty cool I guess.

Halt, Hammerzeit

2009-10-18T00:28:00.001-07:00

I love Facebook quizzes...

2009-10-15T00:42:00.000-07:00

"your not jewish, don't worry"

2009-10-09T02:55:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, don't know if you've heard of this new band coming out called 'Shrouded in mystery' but they've already got a single.

Here's a close-up because it's not letting me edit my previous post

2009-10-06T02:52:00.001-07:00

LAWL, it's the guitarist from the Horrors

2009-10-06T02:44:00.000-07:00

pretty hard to see him, but he's sitting there.

Sorry about all the words. Really needed to get this traumatic experience off my chest by way of a blog post

2009-10-05T01:50:00.001-07:00

Note: Copy pasting this from word kinda fucked shit up format wise for some reason. Just bear with it. Deep down you don't give a shit about formatting.

I’ve recently learnt the hard way that I’m never going to make a fortune selling shit on the internet. My dad lent me a car on the condition that I sell it on trademe at some point in an attempt to subtly divert my future towards the soul crushing, but my life sustaining car business. I’ve given the car a good run, but now it’s becoming a bit of a money sink as it guzzles down gas like tsunamis guzzle down people. It’s also getting a bit grubby not to mention I get to keep any profit made on the car, which will useful in sustaining certain habits. The fucking bummer about the whole situation is having to deal with people on trademe who seem less than eager to just hand over their fucking cash already. They ask questions about shit that I can’t find in the manual then they call me and ask more questions that I have to artfully talk around in my stammering, teenage retard phone voice. The internet is great because it is so impersonal and this whole experience is ruining it for me. I’m meeting internet people. They are coming to my house. I’m going for little drives while they make small talk with me. One guy was all, “I’m the guy who asked about cruise control” as if he was some kind of D-grade celebrity. “It’s good for long drives, y’know.”
“Oh, yeah” I replied. “You do a lot of long distance driving?”
“No, not really” he said casually. As if what he had just said wasn’t the most retarded bullshit ever. And this was before we had even got in the car. I thought he’d find it funny or at least show some kind of reaction to the death metal that began blasting when he started the car, but no. Nothing. He wasn’t one for fun and games which meant I was in trouble as he probably wanted to know stuff about the car. “Oh! We’ve got tip-tronic* gear change, I see.” He said as if it were something worth being excited about.
“Uh yeah, it does.” I replied, well and truly sick of this bullshit, desperately hoping he would decide to head back soon as the car was running on nothing but my my prayers and the dreams of young children, as I wasn't putting gas in a car that I was gonna be giving to some fool. The petrol light had been on all week. He began fucking round with the tip-tronics and accidentally down shifted which made a god awful noise, that, I, knowing nothing about cars assumed did irreparable damage to the transmission. I couldn’t understand why a guy who wants cruise control would care about being able to change the gears in an automatic car. He wants to fuck around with the lever, but he doesn’t wanna push the accelerator. I’m thinking that is some deeply repressed masturbatory shit going on right there. Even though my mind had strayed to this guys jacking off habits, I thought the whole thing had gone well. But it hadn’t. When he got out of the car he found the fault that I had failed to inform him off the. The central locking is fucked. This was the deal breaker for this uptight piece of shit even thought the car is way cheaper than anything else on the site. Too bad it wasn’t raining and he didn’t initiate the window wipers that screech at a frequency that sets off a chemical imbalance in your brain giving you clinical depression.

Moral of the story is: Making money on the internet isn’t as fun as the people who made World of Warcraft, or that guy who traded a paperclip for a house make it out to be. Stay in school and get a real job. “It’s not worth it, eh.”(RIP smoking guy from the telly).

PS. Reading over this I realize this makes me seem like a whiney motherfucker. Don’t worry guys; this isn’t a flaw in my writing style. That’s just what I’m like.

* Tip-tronics let you change the gears in a car with automatic transmission. Usually only used to lock the car in gear when you’re going down hill, but this guy thought he was a bad ass changing gears on his own on the mean streets of Fendalton.

Ironic advertising

2009-10-04T01:35:00.000-07:00

Coming this Summer...

2009-10-02T00:49:00.000-07:00

Single and unattached

2009-10-01T15:10:00.000-07:00

FUCK! FINALLY!

Then... DRAMA

2009-09-23T19:23:00.001-07:00

I don't know if any people from our school really read BLTB, but my attention was recently drawn to this facebook conversation. The whole argument arose because Sam's head had been photoshopped on the naked body of some guy and Emma disapproved or something, you can see it here if you want. Sam proceeds to call Emma fat, which she kind of is, and all hell broke loose from there.

Hoping to see a proper fight or something, I'd very much like it to escalate to fisticuffs.

<3 tattoos

2009-09-22T03:56:00.000-07:00

There's something about overweight gamers getting regrettable tattoos that tickles me pink. I'm not sure if it's just the plain absurdity or the very few amount of people that will understand it or even find it funny that makes it so great. That said, I get these two, and I'm very glad I can cross off another few pictures on my 'tattoo ideas' list. To me it's pretty much like an electrician getting the Dick Smith Electronic logo on their arm or something, or a selection of Halo tattoos.

News flash! Only the first Halo was good.

(I'm not gonna apologize for not posting in ages 'coz no one cares and it's fucking gay)

2009-09-16T02:51:00.000-07:00

Had to go to the doctor the other day. I’ve been feeling pretty down in the dumps. Fatigue, sore throat, headache. My dad’s GF was like, “bro, you have glandular fever.” I did the sensible thing and googled: “glandular fever” and convinced myself I had it then booked an appointment at the doctor. Turns out a million years at doctor school doesn’t teach you anything about time management. I got so bored waiting that I asked for a SARS mask that was meant for people with coughs(I thought it might be fashionable). When I was finally called into the doctor’s office she saw my mask and said, “let me guess. You have a cough, right.” Sadly, I didn’t have a cough and her joke was ruined. For the rest of the visit she seemed rather apathetic to my situation. She didn’t believe that I had glandular fever, but I reckon she’s just trying to fuck up my shit ‘coz I ruined her joke. Now I’m gonna get jaundice, and anaemia from the “glanj” (a little bit of hip slang for glandular fever) and I’m gonna die. This is like that time on World of Warcraft where something went wrong on some quest and I was poisoned by a poison that prevented me from going into stealth mode (the most important mode for a rogue FYI) for a whole week. I was freaking out. I had no idea how to cure it. I tried concocting an anti-venom which consisted of gathering venom glands from spiders that had an 8% drop rate in the middle of butt fuck nowhere. Once I finally got one I found out that it didn’t work. Turns out any druids could heal it instantly in the end. This I only found out after about an hour and a half of hardxcore virtual foraging. Maybe I need an IRL druid to help with my possible glandular fever. Too bad all real life druids aren’t really “people people” and are all like, “oh, sorry, I can only shapeshift when no one else is around.” If by “shapeshift” they mean jack off then sure, I believe them.

P.S.

Remember that post on that guy, Bradley, who told me about the parties he went to where chicks put cellphones up their vadges and took photos? Well he added me back on facebook. Now you guys can put a face to the name.(he's the one on the left with the shaved head)

As soon as you click 'upload' it's free game

2009-09-13T00:24:00.001-07:00

Hey, where were you guys during the Australian fires?

2009-09-13T00:21:00.001-07:00

Just wondering where everybody was at the time of the Australian fires? I'm pretty 'outdoorsy' so I took the opportunity for some rare skateboarding photographs.

Although a family of six were in desperate need of help, I had to prioritize, good skating photos are more important to me than anything else in the world - any publicity is good publicity.

bad ass motherfucker.

2009-09-06T04:25:00.000-07:00

yeah, brought my toothbrush... didn't use it though.

I don't care what people say. The word "gay" is versatile as fuck and I'll keep using it till I die.

2009-08-21T21:05:00.001-07:00

Kia ora,

I had written this whole post about the whole anti-smacking referendum cluster date rape that everyone is talking about at the moment, but then realised that it was "pretty gay" and not something that I would want to read at all. So here is something a lil' more fun, quirky, light hearted, bubbly, out going, intelligent(Sorry, that makes it sound like the obituary for a teenage girl. It's totally not.)

Have you guys seens kids (mainly intermediate school kids) riding those fucked up skateboard/cerebral palsy simulators? Whenever I see a kid wobbling their way down the road on one these monstrosities I can’t help but think that his efforts could have been better spent learning to ride a real skateboard not riding this piece of crap that pretty takes his chances of ever seeing a boob and locking it in a lead safe, welding it shut and sending it off on a Samoan ferry ride. Not only do the kids who ride these look like lanky spastics they also all seem to be the kids who wear bike safety gear outside of the bike context. I mean, come on. You’re what? 4? 5 centimetres off the ground? Moving at negative a gazillion kilometers per hour, The gnarliest ramp you’re gonna hit is your driveway with a gradient of 1/3000 and even then your mum’s gonna fully flip out when you get within elvish eyeshot(like earshot but with eyes) of the road. You don’t need a helmet, elbow pads, wrist guards(the gayest type of guard), knee pads. Everyone knows that that shit is dumb. Leave the armour to the guys on the cosplay scene.

IS THIS YOUR DAD?

2009-08-18T03:45:00.001-07:00

I came across this image while searching the internet today and thought it was too good not to post. I feel like it maybe gives hope to older men going through tough divorces. Watching Canterbury play Auckland play rugby on your own is about the loneliest thing a man can do, so why not put on your ex-wife's sexy bedtime wear and have at it with your land rover? Not only that, why don't you get your 6 year old daughter to take a photo and then post it anonymously on a forum.

Anyway, I would have thought a cars exhaust pipe would be the last place you'd want to put your penis but I guess there are those who don't really care/have much choice other than masturbation.

<3>

If you're drunk and you feel kinda sick, you shouldn't just keep drinking

2009-08-17T00:32:00.000-07:00

why people do drugs instead of drinking.

(I wish I could've gotten bigger photos, but I don't know how, soz, lol)

We actually did something we said we would do for once

2009-08-16T21:43:00.000-07:00

These photos were taken at the after party, but I wore mine to the ball. Jack forgot. In the morning some lady didn't believe I sober enough to drive home even though I didn't drink at all. I was all "Seriously, you can breath test me if you want!" then someone pointed out the delicious irony of what i had said and what I was wearing. It didn't strengthen my case that's for sure.

Million Dollar Marketing idea

2009-08-06T01:12:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a lot about Madeleine McCann a lot lately and although I know a lost cause when I see one, I also know a business opportunity when I see one. I think by now it's pretty obvious that she's either six feet under or in a garage somewhere submitting herself to the will of the internet.

Anyway, like the business opportunist that I am, I am presented with two options:

Go on my own personal vendetta to find Madeleine McCann through leads on 4chan, once found I will dress her in a Where's Wally outfit and create the worlds biggest inappropriate joke by allowing people to finally find her dressed like Where's Wally.
Release my own line of puzzle book titled 'Where's Madeline?' in which you have to find her amongst a crowded beach setting etc.

I'm semi-serious about the second option, although it'll just be Madeline poorly photoshopped into high resolution images. If I even get one comment telling me to do this, I will.

Madeleine McCann = Gone Burger.

If they look like a murderer, are they?

2009-07-21T21:21:00.000-07:00

CLAYTON WEATHERSTON

"BREAKIN' NECKS

BANKIN' CHEQUES"

Gossip bro.

2009-07-18T01:52:00.000-07:00

I know everyone thinks that “Louder than bombs” is the definitive blog for up to date news of celebs and shit so i don’t wanna disappoint.

I have a brand new scoop for all you (2-5) loyal readers, Daniel “Harry Potter” Radcliffe is addicted to P. P also known as meth or ice is narcotic so tempting not even a Hogwarts education could save “Dan” from its clutches.

Look at his joy just thinking about his next "hit."

The mighty fall further.

I know you are all thinking “well, this is obviously true but where the facts/ evidence at?”

Well here it goes, i was watching popular early night time chat show “Rove” the other week, hosted by charming Aussie larrikin, Rove Mcmanus and he interviewed both Rupert “Ron Weasley” Grint and Harry “Dan” Potter. I got the distinct impression from the calm “chill” reactions of Ron that drugs were obviously a problem on the Harry Potter set, he looked like he knew a thing or two about ‘reefer madness” but it was Dan Potter’s eagerness to seem “like a normal guy” that convinced me of his p head status. Harry never wanted to be famous in the books and so it seems he also doesn’t IRL, he wants to be able to go to a little flat in Shirley and just be with his mates. Physical signs of his P use were moving a lot and a lack of skin on his forearms. He also made a lot of jokes that didn’t go down very well, a clear sign.

So this is a message from us, the self righteous bloggers, kick the drugs Danny, You are potential central.

“The drugs don’t work”- Band i can’t remember name of maybe blur or supergrass or suede or something like that.

So dishevelled.

There also pictues on the net of him having an naked encounter with some horses.

Sick.

Dream Interpretations v2.0

2009-07-16T23:39:00.000-07:00

George and I were talking about dreams today so I thought i'd try to work out the deeper meaning to a dream/nightmare I had last night in a sort of 'sequel' to George's earlier post.

I don't know if anyone has seen Transformers 2 but my nightmare was orientated around Shia laBeouf's characters latino best friend/flat mate guy. The dream started with me walking into George's house and all of a sudden the latino flat mate ran at me with a blow torch, I freaked out and ran through the house to see that he had blow torched various other people who I don't think I knew which was really fucked up for a start. I can't really remember but I think the latino best friend characters face was also all burnt and stuff, anyway I ran out to my car and drove down the road, but my car could only go 15kmph or something so I had to keep jumping out and fighting the guy then jumping back in the car and driving away slowly.

I don't ever have 'dark thoughts' or anything but this dream was really something else. I vividly remember kicking the guys head because I really didn't want him to burn me with his blow torch which was really gross.

I think it might have been alluding to immigration rights in New Zealand, I can't be too sure but I know that this sort of dream really caught me off guard after watching a tame movie like Transformers 2. I recently watched Requiem for a Dream so maybe that gave me subconscious depression or something.

I would never kick a latino's head or any part of his body for the record.

Ramon Rodriguez, is he a killr?

BOOM! ANOTHER BLOG! (REMASTERED EDITION)

2009-07-15T07:08:00.000-07:00

The other day Jack and I were talking about the upcoming school ball. It had been a long time dream of ours to do something that would fuck it up a little. We had a pretty elaborate design drawn up to make penis and vagina suits that we would wear but last year Jack had a date and I thought I was too cool to go to the ball. So we were talking and we decided upon a less extravagant but perhaps just as expulsion worthy idea. We came up with this T-shirt:

the kind of shit you write at 1.42am when all you had done the previous day was play skateboaring games and "jam"

2009-07-15T06:41:00.000-07:00

I feel as though it’s about time I flopped out another piece of internet based crap for you to skim read while your torrent of transformers 2 finishes downloading. This post is my attempt to extract some meaning out the dream I had last night. This dream didn't involve any kind of out there sexual practices so I guess it’s not very internet friendly but I’ll take the chance. I’ll break it down section by section and take key elements and very scientifically type them into a dream interpretation website that may or may not have utilized “word art” to make the header for its page.

It started off with me arriving late to school.

According to the site being late means I feel unworthy of my current circumstances. This is probably a fair call as I am a privileged white person who attends private school. Society aims to make me feel guilty about this fact on a day to day basis.

I went to the common room but it looked nothing like the common room. It looked more like one of those cafes where they have a huge table in the middle that forces people to sit together. The kind that go out of business all the time. My media studies teacher was sitting at the table. He asked me to make him a short black.

Coffee apparently indicates that I have feelings for Mr. Macintosh or that we share a tight bond of knowledge. I call bullshit on this one as I kinda think he is a “cocksucker” because on my report he was totally hating on how my short film was coming along but on another member of MY GROUP’S report he was waxing poetic about how much he was looking forward to viewing it! COCKSUCKMOTHERFUCK.

Anyway he then said he wanted me to tip the coffee grind into the cup once I had made the coffee which isn’t covered on the website but probably alludes to how much he likes dicks in and around his mouth. He then proceeds to show me some pictures of his babies that he says were drawn by a Swedish artist. One was a baby with huge abdominal muscles and the other was a baby with those Maori tattoos all over its face and whale eyes.

I could find nothing to do with Sweden, muscular babies, or babies with tattoos and whale eyes. I’m guessing it means “take it easy on the drugs”.

The rest is kinda blurry but I remember my Japanese teacher getting mad at me and waving at my girlfriend (which is totally weird because I’m usually a “thumbs up” man).

The whole teacher thing means that I’m shit at school which I didn’t need to go to internet to find out as the internet is probably the main cause of this. And the wave means that this person is a close friend. I guess it’s good to know that my subconscious likes my girlfriend as well.

Didn’t mean for BLTB to become a faggotty, hippy search for enlightenment and meaning but these things happen. COMING UP: I DENOUNCE PSYCHIATRY AND POST A 20,000 WORD CONSPIRACY THEORY ABOUT OBAMA AND THE NEW WORLD ORDER. NO MORE TALK OF PRETEEN VAGINAS OR MAKING FUN OF INTERNET PEOPLE FOR ME. IT’S ALL SERIOUS BUSINESS FROM HERE ON OUT, GUYS.

<3> George

EDIT: I CAN'T EVEN EMOTICON RIGHT!!! FUCK MATH SYMBOLS AND THEIR BULLSHIT ROLE IN THIS WEBPAGE.

aka sithlord george (on xbox live)

8=======D

2009-06-28T20:02:00.000-07:00

In an earlier blog I asked you, the reader, this question "is enter shikari's new album any good?". As expected I received no feedback as the people who read this: a) Probably think enter shikari are "the latest in gay technology" and b)don't feel as though this blog gets enough traffic to make it worth trolling. I downloaded their new album "common dreads" illegally and thought it was pretty rad and decided to do this blog and this PMI(plus minus interesting) thing.

PLUS:

-sounds good to me

-singer now sounds british when he sings

-instead of the kinda lame pop rock bits from the first album they have shit that sounds more like "at the drive in"

is good to listen to while ripping harpies in half/stabbing minotaurs in the face on god of war.

MINUS:

not as brutal as their first album, really gay album art, kinda lame lyrics about politics and shit.

INTERESTING:

kinda wish I could scream like enter shikari but my brother gets mad when i practice in the house.

Bit of a bummer that the first blog in a month is a PMI chart on "enter shikari". I'll try harder in the future.

PS. If you are a woman living in Elizabethan England, could you please email and tell me what your role is in society? Coz you guys didn't really get written about a lot and that's making it really hard for me to get some NCEA credits. FUUCCCKKKKKINNNN SAADDDDDDD.

I'm known for being horrible at typing but this is by far the worst mistake I have ever made

2009-06-11T03:15:00.000-07:00

George Alexander
10:03
indeed
my dad had a sex with me while i was in wellington
he was kinda drunk
and was just like "go a-fucking-head mate!"
it was brutal
Jack
10:04
oh nice! did it hurt?
don't scream
NO MATTER WHAT
PROMISE ME

George Alexander
10:05
i havent had sex
Jack
10:05
I know

George Alexander
10:05
scream?!
Jack
10:05
I was saying, don't scream when your dad has sex with you
or he'll know you're awake

George Alexander
10:06
ohhhhh
fuck
i meant to say "sex talk"
Jack
10:06
Jeeeeesus

George Alexander
10:06
fuck
FUCK
OMG
Jack
10:06
HAHAHA
FUCKING HELL

George Alexander
10:06
WORST TYPO EVER

Looks like we're out of the recession!

2009-06-03T01:57:00.001-07:00

At the most one person will understand this and they probably won't find it very funny.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

2009-06-01T04:13:00.000-07:00

After years of being subjected to a myriad of mediocre romantic-comedies and endless sub-par Alfred Hitchcock remakes, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire came as a real ray of sunshine to restore my faith in cinema. Needless to say, J.K Rowling is one of Britain’s more prominent generals in the war against bad literature, but Mike Newell’s translation of ink to silver-screen has baffled even the most hostile of skeptics. Seldom do I leave the couch to reside in my bed chamber with a spring in my step, but tonight was different.

Harry (Daniel Radcliffe) returns to Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry with his peers Ron (a superb Rupert Grint) and Hermione (Emma Watson) for his fourth year. Following suit with the previous installments of the franchise, his year is plagued with mishap and disaster, with the focus this year revolving around Harry’s participation in the Triwizard Tournament. Needless to say, Radcliffe delivers the goods once again; his performance as the bold, brave, yet inquisitive Harry Potter is one to be remembered. He manages to convey a range of emotions from jest to anger and jealousy; each being equally convincing. Daniel Radcliffe does not play Harry Potter; Daniel Radcliffe is Harry Potter.

The Goblet of Fire has a noticeably darker tone, and steers itself towards more mature audiences than its predecessors. Themes of romance, violence, and death are frequent throughout, however Mike Newell in his infinite wisdom still retains the qualities of a family targeted fantasy film that the previous films boast so proudly. Rowling has ingeniously crafted the series of Harry Potter in such a manner that the maturity of the text grows with the maturity of the reader. Screenplay writer Steven Kloves has worked this technique into the films as well, with the first film (The Philosophers Stone) sporting noticeably more child appealing themes then the following films in the series. Whilst appearing cunning to some (particularly those who grew up with the films), others watching the films in sequence may find the inconsistency to be frustrating.

Too preoccupied to compose a fourth score for the franchise, John Williams has passed the conductors baton to Patrick Doyle. Although a new comer to film, Doyle is no amateur to the ring, having several Academy Award music nominations under his belt. Viewers will be taken aback by Goblet of Fire’s rich array of new orchestral arrangements, as well as being reacquainted with some of the signature themes and motifs from the previous films. Williams’ absence will seem apparent to the most attentive of enthusiasts, but most will still admit Doyle pulls of a splendid piece of work; nothing short of magic.

For one and a half hours all 5 of my senses were bombarded by a spectacular display of passionate theatrics coupled with ground breaking cinematography and special effects only Warner Brothers could deliver; for one and a half hours I was spellbound. The Goblet of Fire truly adds a new dimension to the series, and is a must-see for those who wish to experience something truly ‘magical’.

I give it 4/10.

In this post: "Fat fucks"

2009-05-28T04:09:00.000-07:00

Came across this website called www.livingxl.com it's basically a website that sells products designed for morbidly obese people. When I find something like this it makes me sad for all the comedians out there who put hours and hours into making videos or whatever that people are supposed to find funny when someone who is trying to cater to the needs of someone blows anything they say out of the water with out the slightest intention or effort.

on livingXL.com you can purchase:

-A toilet seat with what looks like scaffolding fastened to it so you can get your fat fuck ass up and off this thing without having to worry that you're going to end up with shattered porcelain embedded in yr bo'sack.

- A long rod with a pair off nail clippers attached because there's no way you're going to be reaching your toes for anything less motivating than someone with a gun to your head and even then the chances are slim.

-There's also a rod for wiping your ass with

-A hammock that utilizes the same mater

ial and methods as fucking golden gate bridge

-A shower curtain that curves in the middle so you can shower without your pudgy little belly touching the curtain

-A bench that straddles the side of the bath tub in case the journey from your mobility scooter to tub becomes too exhausting and you need a rest

-scales that have a 1000lb weight capacity so you know when it's time to upgrade your bathtub transfer bench to something a little more sturdy

-A variety of garments that go up sizes XXXXXXL (other wise known as a "shame tarp")

-In order to store your XXXXXXL garments you're going to need some coat hangers with the wing span of an albatross and they just so h

appen to stock them aswell

Happy shopping readers!

What's that? your fingies are too pudgie to enter

your credit card number?! I have a solution!

Might have to make do with a piece of pocky till this baby arrives

A post about music

2009-05-28T00:13:00.000-07:00

Haven't done a blog about music in a while. Things kinda got a lil' crazy for a while. Posting stuff that would fit under the category "miscellaneous". I guess the pageviews and links from other sites went to my head. So in this blog I return to my roots.

Black Out

I haven't been blown away by any new music lately. Pitchfork are all like "listen to grizzly bear" and I'm all "i guess that song with the video is ok/10" but I'm not deep enough to get them. Then I heard "video games" by Black Out and i was like "wish more bands would be like black out because their lyrics are actually about stuff not just like disjointed phrases with deeper/nonexistent meaning". Video games is a so

ng that is relevant to my interests 'coz i like video games and sometimes feel like playing video games instead of going to school.

You can buy this song off itunes or from this website if you're mad keen to put this on yr ipod or yr zune(just kidding, zunes are fucking gay).

I also like Black Out because they are a band that go out of their way for their fans. For example when they post lyrics on their website they tell you when there are going to be guitar/drum solos so you can better prepare for the coming onslaught of "sick licks and mad fills".

Recess Blues
Copyright 200
7

Intro--Drum Fill--Guitar solo
Woke up this morning and got outa bed.
Jumped in the shower and washed my head
Put on my cloth
es and made up
my bed
Crammed down my breakfast left my spelling unread
Hopped on the b
us, headed straight to the back
Got in trouble a
nd tore my back pack

Sent to the office like I was to blameGiven detention, man that's really lame
Smiled at the t
eacher like nothing was wrong
Sat at my desk and started writing
this song
Whoah the recess blues

(chorus)Recess, recess, that's what I'd rather do
Reading, spelling, don't have a clueRecess, recess, that's what I'd rather do
It's all enough to make a kid really blue
Ya, ya, ya, ya.......

PS.

I've been listening to Suicide Season by Bring Me the Horizon lately and it sounds good to me+gets me amped. However, Pitchfork haven't reviewed it and this is causing me a bit of anxiety as I don't know whether it's ok to like it or not. I feel that maybe it's not ok to like because they are a metalcore band and have some pretty brutal album art. I'm really not sure. "the only thing i know for sure is that i can't sleep at night(coz i don't know if i'm allowed to like the band i like)"

I'm being serious in this last part. I really do like Bring me the Horizon. Don't know what's happening to me+anyone know if enter shikari's new album is any good?

Unsuccessful troll is unsuccessful

2009-05-27T00:24:00.000-07:00

Some tweets on facespace alerted me to the fact that the extension english class have their own discussion boards on the school's website. Naturally I felt the urge to go on there and "troll the shit" out of it. Unfortunately I am in the "working man's" english class and am not allowed to even view what the wunderkinds have posted. This is why I need all two of my loyal followers to cyber bully the two other contributors of LouderThanBombs into trolling that shit for me as they are in the smart class but have so far wasted the wonderful opportunity that has been placed in their lap. I would hate for them to finish school and look back with a feeling of regret knowing that they didn't "seize the day" like Robin Williams. It doesn't have to be anything offensive or pornographic.

Just pretend you're this guy and I'll be happy.

username:Sasukesupersaiyanlvl2

interests:Naruto, Bleach, Naruto, that song by P.O.D. that is like "BOOM! HERE COMES THE BOOM! READY OR NOT/HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?!"

In this blog: preteens, cellphones, cellphones in preteen's vaginas, in class masturbation and my "dick hole". I'm pretty ashamed of myself.

2009-05-22T03:57:00.000-07:00

There was a kid called Bradley who went to my primary school. Bradley was a badass. Bradley was the kid who tells you about all the badass things he does.

"Hey man, you should totally come to this party in the weekend. There are gonna be heaps of chicks there but there isn't gonna be any booze so the chicks are fully gonna let me stick my camera phone up their pussies and take a photo."

Bradley actually said this. I never went to this party but I was fully sold on the fact that Bradley was going to this party and that he was going to stick a camera phone up a girl's (12 year old girl's) vagina. I had no reason not to believe this. Bradley was a fountain of knowledge for all things sex. He was a self proclaimed sex maniac. He proved it by masturbating in class one day without the teacher noticing. Bradley tried to convince me at the tender age of 11 that I better start having sex soon because if you don't do it by age sixteen your dick hole will grow over and I'll never be able to have babies. This terrified me as a preteen as I didn't know any girls who I could have sex with and I lacked Bradley's power over women. It looked like I was going to have to live life with a closed over dick hole. I'm now seventeen, haven't had sex and my dick hole has not closed over so I should probably give Bradley a call and tell him that all the sex that he said he had but didn't was in vain cuz your dick hole doesn't close up after all.

Thks fr th mmrs

Bradley

Putting a title on this blog seems pointless when it's about the title of another article that makes this title look shit.

2009-05-17T23:14:00.000-07:00

You know a news headline is good when it's the first thing you see on the page even when there is an image of a guy in rugby headgear putting a shotgun to his head on the same page.

"You couldn't fucking help yourself could ya Dean... You had to fucking jizz on her... Sometimes I wonder what the hell is going on in that head of yours. I mean, haven't you seen CSI:Miami? The first thing they look for is fucking jizz. They search high and low for the stuff. You go ahead and make it easy for them! Just jizzin' all over her corpse like there's no tomorrow! I paid good money for you to go to that "Kip McGrath" place and this is what I get. A son who can't keep his jizz to his fucking self...."

let's get OTP and recreate famous/shocking photos

2009-05-07T01:56:00.000-07:00

Treatment of a helpless person in a bad situation during the war in Iraq

Treatment of a helpless person in a bad situation during a Christchurch house party

Special thanks to the facebook "highlights" collumn

Keepin' in touch with your fave celebs is easy

2009-05-05T20:43:00.000-07:00

Where are they now?: Madeleine McCann

2009-04-29T22:53:00.000-07:00

Madeleine McCann was visited in a dream by the arc angel Gabriel and was told that in her future she would a life changing musician who's music would resonate a younger generation. Madeleine knew what becomes of such people so she preemptively faked her death and moved to the tropical island where Tupac, Biggie, Kurt Cobain & Joan Rivers live. Joan Rivers isn't dead. She can just keep a secret really well.

Role Play as Swine Flu!

2009-04-28T02:47:00.000-07:00

I thought i'd keep in theme with this blog post and refer you all to a game George and I played sometime last year called Pandemic 2...

Depending on how you feel about the whole Swine Flu situation you can role play as Swine Flu and give it to all of your least favourite countries like Cuba or China. If you're a pretty big internet game fan i'd play it straight away or if you're not really into them I suggest you play it anyway because if One News have anything to say about the whole matter we'll all be dead pretty soon.

Who is the real villain Simon Dallow?

Who is the real villain...

It's everywhere

2009-04-27T23:22:00.001-07:00

Youtube's front page

possibly my last blog (in this life)

2009-04-27T22:49:00.000-07:00

Now that swine flu is coming to murder me and everyone I love it's hard not to worry what will happen to my facespace/bebo/myspace/WoW/Second life/twitter/msn/neopets accounts. How will people who I only connect with via photo comments know when I have succumbed to the SF. People could go days without knowing that they are commenting a dead guy and then they might feel bad about it when they find out cuz linking a dead guy 1 guy 1 screwdriver might be considered bad taste or something. I would be willing to buy a facespace branded heart monitor that lets everyone know that I have passed away the instant my heart stops beating but I fear that the development cycle of this product would overshoot the current crisis. Maybe I will keep a small piece of paper in my breast pocket that has my account details so before my grey lifeless corpse is tossed into the mass grave the details can be taken out and used to inform the world that I am now a deadfag.

eg: XxXnightshadowbladeXxX-Yo, I'm totally dead. Don't feel bad. Play "bat out of hell" by meat loaf at my funeral.

Wish I could have been killed by a pandemic in the past. Back then people only had to care about dying IRL (in real life)+bread was cheaper+you didn't have to have broadband to be cool+living of the land+caring about the monarchy.

Japanese keyboards are shit.

2009-04-14T03:09:00.000-07:00

I'll keep this brief as I hate using this jappy keyboard. One of our roommates who we have nicknamed 'jamboy' for his excessive consumption of raspberry jam (1 jar in 3 days) has just purchases a katana which he will probably use to attempt an 'Antonie Dixon' on us.

Don't wanna die having this be my last blog. So much I have to live for like high end WoW content and new halo 3 maps!!!!]

Learnin' from our Pokebro's

2009-04-08T02:13:00.000-07:00

So I was thinking about Pokemon the other day, and I realised there's actually a lot we can learn from our Pokebro's and Pokepal's...

The games especially mimic current Christchurch society, here's why:

Just about everybody scraps on sight
Your mother always spends your fucking money on useless shit
The fact you have no father is never mentioned
If you beat some Pokebro he gives you Pokecash, this is known as 'mugging'
All the radio stations are terrible
Over half of the people you meet are overweight
Most Pokemon are homeless

Mostly it's just funny playing through the game I used to play as a nine year old and laughing at all the shit the creators never considered.

Pokebro on Pokebro - Fuck him up with your cage.

Next time I blog i will be in the country that invented the final fantasy+heaps of guys ejaculating on one girls face

2009-04-02T00:05:00.000-07:00

I doubt japan were the first to jizz on a chicks face multiple times in one sitting but they were definitely the first to give it a name. Thank god they did or we may never have been able to visit the bukkake club or hentai high school in second life.

Anywayz been doing this assignment for history on women during the reign of Lizzie the First. My pal josh brought up a pretty important question that I hadn't considered.

Turns out all search history from everyone at school is recorded on the google drop down lists. It shows the ingenuity of St Andrews college students and how they cope with search filters. I'm not sure the library would be an ideal place for browsing pornographic websites but you gotta love the kids for trying.

HEY, FUCK YOU GUYS I FOUND THE NEW COOL THING

2009-03-29T02:35:00.000-07:00

Puttin' off finishing my classics internal by alerting you all to the fact that you are not internet savvy because you are all still using that facebook shit. www.facespace.com is where it's at now guys. These guys have gone balls to the walls on this one. It's packed to the brim with exciting new features.

"Here are three things you can do RIGHT NOW with FaceSpace:

Connect with people you know: family, school friends, co-workers

Join and create "Groups" around your interests

Get a friend's recommendation for anything from a great restaurant to a gentle dentist"

About time. I'm so sick of browsing through geocities and angelfire pages.

"utterly moving"-George Armstrong

2009-03-26T01:59:00.000-07:00

Of all the things i have seen on 4chan this is probably the thing that has made me the saddest. Yesterday i saw a picture of a man shitting on a baby but it had nothing on this. Poor Darth Vader (NOT THE HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN DARTH VADER. HE IS A CUNT).

http://i42.tinypic.com/2q3u0kz.jpg

FFFFUUUUU now i have to buy one these fucking machines

2009-03-26T01:22:00.000-07:00

Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks 'GDC 2009 Nintendo Keynote Debut' video

I don't think i have ever finished a zelda game. I got pretty far through ocarina of time last time i played but they get so damn hard and faq's make me feel cheap and that i am betraying Miyamotosan. There was another zelda game on DS but only now has my wall of fiscal responsibility been broken down by the accumulation of so many rad looking titles (KorgDS10, retro game challenge, Dragon quest and all that other faggoty japanese shit+Something deep down inside me loves nintendogs.)

Maybz i'll buy it when i'm in Akihabara, it'll be my "otaku odyssey".

The 'Philosoraptor'

2009-03-26T01:04:00.000-07:00

I'm sure most people or internetfags are familiar with /b/ but for those who aren't it's this pretty fucked up forum with some pretty horrible stuff on it if you're unlucky enough to click it, but occasionally it has some pretty funny things on it like this:

xxSNIPERHOTTIExx

2009-03-25T00:59:00.000-07:00

A brief story for you all in one of my favourite genres, books aimed at boys 11-15 who don’t like reading and are about the armed forces or snipers.

One dark night.

One man shrouded in the darkness of his camouflaged gear. An unseen assassin in a night of inky blackness. In the lagoon below the President of Chile’s holiday house, his balaclavaed head broke the surface of the water. His wescolt 4563 model followed quickly after, water resistant to 200 metres. He spied the president and his mistress with his canon infrared 436 chinchillakilla night-vision goggles.

He fired one shot. It was true. The entry point was in the back of the Presidents head, the exit wound was through his nose then into the next entry wound of the women’s hip.

But our hero didn’t see this. He was already away miles down river. The only thing that would connect him to this crime was the particular bullets he used, Barrel nosed 382’s but he would be in international waters long before the secret police knew anything had happened.

I was about to give up on facebook...

2009-03-23T00:10:00.000-07:00

then

i found out you can do this

fullsize image here

fuck this layout!

Angry mother appalled that art is still being taught in schools

2009-03-22T19:06:00.001-07:00

Christchurch mother Cheryl Davies (pictured above with her "life partner" Daryll) is up in arms that her daughter, aged 13, is studying art at school. "Art is all about how it looks and this is sending a bad message to young girls" she tells our reporter. She worries that her daughter may fall victim to low self esteem and develop "problems of self" because she is constantly being exposed to artworks that rely entirely on aesthetic value to become noticed. "is this the kind of message we want our kids hearing? Why do you think so many artists go crazy? Van gogh (she pronounced it "Van gog") cut off his ear because the girl he liked didn't like him! A victim of his own creation" she yelled into our reporters microphone , "... and how many of these paintings have pictures of naked women?! Reduced to nothing more than objects! Obviously, as I am one of the few responsible parents in this country, I have banned all art work & art supplies from my house and now i have to get it banned from schools! Doing the governments work yet again". This is not the first time Cheryl has been in the news for protesting against how schools are run. She was voted least popular woman of 2006 by students in our annual poll for banning the sale of fattening foods in schools. Cheryl says she fights because no one else has the "inner strength" and that "as long as schools continue to teach children that this superficial, excuse my language, B.S. , then i will be fighting and if my Annie just so happens to suffer because her friends don't wanna come over because I'm a "psycho", then the ministry of education will have to live knowing they ruined a young, slightly obese (again their fault) girls adolescence".

the fiddy blog itch+good advice

2009-03-20T15:04:00.000-07:00

Super soz about the lack of blogs (I know they are the high point of all 4 our readers day. 3 of those readers being people who write these). I'll be honest and say i just haven't had anything to blog about. Better than me talkin' my unsubstantiated political views, the war in Iraq or music that isn't very good but saying that i like it just to seem more hardcore for listening to an obscure band.

I have also been writing non-blog material for my trip to japan in TWO WEEKSS! I'm making a guide book to give to my squad (TEAM/SQAUD/CRAZY HORSE/CREW) of younger students. I just want to have the best squad and makes the kids in Bobbito's (reference to a guy in my japanese class) squad jealous.

If you live in the port hills take this opportunity to shit out on your porch with a shotgun. No ones gonna be frontin' if you're just lookin' out for the best interests of the community. It's not like locking your door is going to stop this guy. In his mind he has transcended to the state of Dr. Manhattan, the laws of nature don't apply to him anymore. If he wants to break into your house he's gonna break in to your house. Your only option is to arm yourself and if you do end up having to shoot this guy you could probably write some poetry about death and shit without seeming pretentious. y'know like war poetry. People love that stuff.

NOTE: have you noticed how i have the replaced the "g" at the end of many present tense verbs ("ing") with an apostrophe to make it more hip. This is what videos game magazines did in the 90's and look how successful they are!

"yeah bro i fucking hate it how religions are always shoving these huge diatribes in our faces tryin' to convert us&shit"

2009-03-15T23:39:00.000-07:00

I hate atheists. Not all atheists just people you know are atheists(this is making me seem like someone who goes to easter camp for the prayer sessions or some shit. I just hope you know the kind of people I am talking about). If someone is all talking about how they are an atheist and alluding to how that makes them smarter somehow then you should either try to fight this person (preferably an altar side throw down ending with you drowning them int he baptismal font) or maybe you could find an article they wrote about atheism and post on your blog. Although the guy who wrote this is perhaps one of the few people at school who i could maybe win a fight against (mainly because i would have the help of his gf who seems to hate him for some reason) I'm gonna post his "editorial" that i found in school magazine section of the email archives.

I'm not actually sure why i am posting this because it is so long and boring. Maybe i won't. How about an article Sarah Argyle wrote on smoking? Yeah, that sounds better.

THIS WAS APPARENTLY LIKE "OMG MAN THAT'S BRUTAL".I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE. THERE WAS ONLY ONE WORTHWHILE LINE REALLY. "1/3 OF ALL CHINESE PEOPLE WILL DIE OF SMOKING BY THE YEAR 2050"-SARAH ARGYLE. THKS FR TH MMRS.

Teen dies after punching window...

2009-03-15T21:16:00.000-07:00

"A 16-year-old youth found dead in Ngaruwahia bled to death after cutting his arm punching a window, police say.... injuries had occurred after he punched a glass window at the Fire Station, he said... revealed the 16-year-old died as a result of severe blood loss resulting from a cut to the Brachial Artery of his right arm..."

FUCKIN' HARDCORE.

Another Poem by Jayden

2009-03-15T20:39:00.000-07:00

grandma made me play scrabble with her

this made me feel sad
because i have a learning disability
words are hard for me

I got real angry at this guy
his name is dane
always talking shit
coz i forget to draw my "r's" round the right way
scrapped him at play lunch

My time on the xbox is limited
I'll never become a COD4 pro
if mum keeps the rules the same
no xbox until i've finished my homework
no xbox after tea

I got in heaps of trouble at school
googled "lesbos"
printed out the picture that came up
the olsen twins naked

put dog shit in dane's bag
he started crying
nathan recorded it on his phone
he said he's gonna put it on youtube
if he can find the cord

Nathan said he couldn't find the cord
i stole his phone at lunch
nath is a liar
his phone doesn't even have a camera
just for emergencies
not even texting

Just coz i wear camo doesn't mean i lurv war. I actually fully hate it. I just wanna be fashionable but practical

2009-03-13T20:17:00.000-07:00

I don't plan to do these type of blogs again or anything I just wanted something to do on GIMP since I'm still trying to decide whether I like it or not. This Ghettoware creates an "internal conflict" in me. Might do an english essay on it. Is open source the essence of drama?

Please god don't ever make a 9/11 phone operator

2009-03-10T01:32:00.000-07:00

In america some lady had pet chimp and it fucking destroyed her face when she was in a drug coma. My friends brother was an emergency call operator and she made it seem like a really cool job because he just fucked round on the internet all day but i bet if you recieved this call you would be feeling pretty down about yourself. Especially if you're as incompetent as the guy who took the monkey face ripping off phonecall. This does kinda sound like a joke though.

"He ripped her face off!"

EDIT: Jack just told me that he saw this ages ago. i thought i was being all up to date and providing "fresh" content to the "user-base". Let myself down. Just wanna end it. Wish the monkey had ripped my face off. put me out of my misery

EDIT EDIT: SHE WASN'T EVEN IN A DRUG COMA. THAT WAS ANOTHER INCIDENT WHERE A LADY GOT HER FACE DESTROYED BY A CAT. The link between this story and the the chimp one is that both these ladies are getting their faces undestroyed at the same face transplant clinic (see: John Travolta&Nick cage in Faceoff. But these ladies aren't switching their destroyed faces. that would be dumb and fiscally irresponsible).

Waste time for free!

2009-03-10T01:01:00.000-07:00

www.fallingsandgame.com

I was wondering how long it would take...

2009-03-10T00:26:00.000-07:00

Wow, what an original idea!
not.

SICK OF THA HATERZ

2009-03-09T01:03:00.000-07:00

WHEN YOU GUYS SAY RUDE AND HURTFUL THINGS ABOUT PEOPLE JUST COZ THEY HAVE THE GUTS TO MAKE A VLOG YOU'RE ONLY HURTING YOURSELVES BECAUSE WHEN THAT PERSON GETS BANNED FROM ALL YOUR FLAGS THEY CAN'T MAKE THE VIDEOS YOU WON'T ADMIT TO LIKING ANYMORE.

I HOPE IT GIVES YOU HELL

AND IF YOU STILL WANNA HATE THEN JUST BEAT IT

A COMPARISON I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER MAKE

2009-03-08T23:38:00.000-07:00

MOZ

VANILLA ICE

TOGETHER AT LAST

Since when were 'Toga Parties' cool?

2009-03-08T21:30:00.000-07:00

Wot da fuk!?

I must have been living under a rock or something, because recently teenaged girls at my school are suddenly talking all things toga. My friends and I have been invited to one early April, and we can think of about a thousand better things to do with our time, but we're tagging along to see what toga parties are all about.

We'll get a whole bunch of photos, post them, and the verdict will be out early April.

Because our opinion on toga parties will be crucial to your internet browsing.

DRAMADRAMADRAMA: A RADIO PLAY

2009-03-07T22:54:00.000-08:00

I was listening to podcasts the other day and wondered if there were any radio play style podcasts. I haven't researched this and i don't plan as it sounds stupid. Then Jack recently came up to me and told me that he plans to make a stage play called DRAMADRAMADRAMA. A bromantic dramedy he called it. Of course Jack was never actually going to make a stage play called DRAMADRAMADRAMA but it was still funny. This inspired me to turn this idea into a radio play instead. "BUT RADIO PLAYS R OLD/GAY! YOU SCREAM!" Not if i make them about issues young people care about. "BUT WE DNT CARE ABOWT THINGS!!!!HOW CAN U MAKE US CARE!!!!WE HAVE GREW UP ON SOUTH PARK WE CARE ABOUT NOTHING!!!!" You do though, you just don't know it yet. You express yourselves daily. ON BEBO. A story is born.

EPISODE 1-

NARRATOR: A group on gangly teenage boys sit around the breakfast table. two of them looking a little worse 4 wear.

BROOKE: u guys r so irresponsible. i cant believe you got "intoxicated". i am very hurt that you betrayed my trust.

TONY: it is fine man. U haz got to live a little sometimes. live life 2 tha' full. Never back down.

BROOKE: You&james drankd a whole bottle of gin. And were goin' crazy offending' my sensibilities&then you put the pictures on tha' internet. These thing r harmful 2 society&maybe you should think about ur actions b4 you do them. Wen u luze ur inhibitions u do hurtful things lyk tell "amily" that u lurv here even tho u have a GF. Lurv is a strong word but i really really really think u r a nice guy bt maybe ur drinkin' has got out of hand.

TONY:Maybe u r right. i do get dranked at least once a term. and maybe i am not thinkin' about tha' consequences. I am a strong aetheist so i can't do what jesus would do so maybe i will have to do what matt from the "attitude" seminar at school. WWMFTASD? would do but it would be hard to make it into a bracelet.

SAM:gettin' dranked is awesum i once got dranked and passed&u guys took a picture. It was a good experience that i wud like to repeat but my parents r gettin me down. Brooke sometime u r too hi strung& maybe this is bad for mind as you could develop a stress disorder later in life.&tony i think that your WWMFTASD? bracelet is a dumb idea because i hate jesus coz he isnt even tha' sun of god and that is too much like those gay WWJD? things.

BROOKE:I thought use was upstandin citizens bt then u got very dranked&I am not sure what to think anymore. Growing up is hard enuf without havin' to make moral judgements and "life choices". MY parents would probably not want me 2 hang and chill with you anymore if they knew and the band was just about to make it big imo.

TONY:OMG i was so tied up in myself&having gud tymz that i forgot about the joys of making music. I was jst beginning to "find myself" as a song writer&i went off the rails. ROK&roll can do bad things to people like in the movie "almost famous" and the guy jumps off the roof with no regard to how his actions might affect his relationships.He as also on a mind altering substance that would maybe also damage his future.

SAM:RELIGION IS AMIND ALTERING SUBSTANCE.

BROOKE:Tony, what r u gonna do about amily. She thinks that u lurv when maybe u didnt mean it all&if ur GF finds out she mite dump u. U shud keep her because u guys had a good thing going coz u like the same music and hookup three times a week on average.

TONY:True. Three hookups a week is good but maybe she is not the girl for me. BUT I DNT KNO. She is the safe option as far as hookups go but amily is mayb the "1".

SAM: Hopefully not the one like neo from the matrix because that has many "allusions" to tha' bible which i am against.

TONY:"it ain't easy 2 beeee meee"-five for fighting

The end

That would be a pretty short radio play. i will make five for fighting quotes a reoccuring motif because they are a band that people still like a lot.

If i was gonna write a book on parenting this is all would be. Coz a picture tells a thousand words.

2009-03-07T03:20:00.000-08:00

NOT COOL GEORGE. NOT COOL.

2009-03-07T02:58:00.000-08:00

WAS TOLD I WENT TOO FAR. DELETED.

Dolphin Olympics 2 review

2009-03-06T16:54:00.000-08:00

Now, if you like dolphins, and you like olympics, this could very well be the game you've been looking for all these years. If not, chances are you'll still get a good 10-15 minutes fun out of the free swim mode. It was hard buying into dolphin olympics 2 after all the hype during late 2008 that is so common with these these high budget games. Unlike the games of 2008's killer spring line up, dolphin olympics 2 delivers in every way.

From the incredible attention to detail in the way that the light hits and reflects off the water, to the incredible gun-play dolphin olympics 2 certainly sits a cut above the likes of Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare and Fallout 3. I started the game just before lunchtime, and before I knew it, it was almost 3 in the morning, the compelling and convincing atmosphere of the game kept me completely immersed in this fantasy game.

All the characters are likeable, and have interesting background that make you lust for more. On top of all this, the sheer size and scale of the game feels overwhelming at time and seems to have to limits. That said, dolphin olympics 2 still doesn't quite compare with it's predecessor dolphin olympics 1, but is still worth playing.

If dolphin olympics 2 sounds like your kind of game, you can play it here

accepting a challenge from a street fighter pro not knowing he was a street fighter pro

2009-03-05T03:09:00.000-08:00

A week or so ago Jack&I went comic book shopping in town. The bus we needed to return wouldn't get there for another 15 minutes so we decided to go play some street fightervsCapcom at the arcade. I destroyed Jack with my E.Honda/Ryu/Chun-Li combination+i was totally in the zone, throwing fire balls frither&fucking yon. Then this guy with a pierced ear who had been watching us play was all "you wanna challenge bro?"."sure thing" I said. I had never been challenged to street fighter before by a stranger at the arcade. This particular machine had always been kind to me, I could always beat jack because he can't do a hadouken and one time i went to play and this guy i really hate was leaving and he told me that he had just been playing street fighter and some bullshit about how it was his favourite game (idiot, it's not even the right one. Super street fighter 2 turbo is the one you want. This one has like 10000000 characters, no way is it balanced). He left and when i got to the machine i found twenty bucks which i knew was his&I didn't return it because he is a dick&I was running out of money. At this point i thought i was ok at street fighter and might have a chance against this old, ear piercing having fag.

"you're probably better than me, you've got one them special cards" he said pointing at my plastic timezone card and casually swiping his shitty assed cardboard one.

I knew i was fucked as soon as he started warming up. He flicked all the buttons perfectly with one freaky hand gesture and began selecting his characters, Ken/Ryu/Akuma. This motherfucker had been watching me play. He knew he could kick my ass and he did. It was brutal. He beat two of my characters with me barely touching his first.
"i've been playing this since before you born" he said like a fucking fuck, chewing gum like some over confident obese kid who listens to Limp bizkit 10 years ago and makes his own hair gel out vaseline &vicks because his parents won't buy him for the real stuff.

He beat me and i left feeling grateful that the internet was invented so that i could shout my insults through a microphone instead of having to walk away defeated like a father who lost custody of his kids turning round to take one last look at his old family and the psycho bitch who took his house, half his life savings and children.

As i was getting on the bus i realised i didn't have my comic books.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU i ran back to the machine and asked if he had seen a brown paper bag on the machine to which he replied "has that gotcha' weed in it bruh?"
I just walked the fuck out of there.

Everybody loves lists

2009-03-03T00:18:00.000-08:00

I love lists. They are easy to read they don't challenge me "intellectually". I can sit back, "chillax" and finish the day knowing the top ten "Most lovable JRPG characters of all time".

I have decided to make a list of rad things you can get for free on the internet that aren't porn.

-InstantAction.com- This is a crazy website where you can play free online multiplayer games. I tell people this and they often don't seem to care or realise how how ridiculous that a game like Fallen Empires Legions, with full 3d graphics and dedicated servers is free(Pretty much just a tribes ripoff. If you play it watch the tutorial video first if you don't wanna suck and look like a n00b when you can't even get yr boost on). Oh, and all these games run inside your web browser.

-Jumpman- A cool 2d platformer that will make you want to kill yrself but then not kill yrself when you realise you have "2 much to live for" i.e. the later levels of jumpman.

-This American Life- This is a podcast that I tell everybody about once and only once. This is because I get angry when people don't listen to me so i punish them by withholding this awesome podcast from them.

-A Life well wasted- This is a podcast that kinda rips offs the presentation of this American life but it's is by far the best gaming podcast out at the moment.

-GFW Radio- I'm going podcast crazy so I'd put in my favourite podcast ever which is now discontinued due to the hosts getting prominet jobs in the game development industry. The link takes you a page which is some what of a cluster fuck so i advise you use the ctrl-f function(when you have clicked the link) then type in these dates:
06/26/2008 (Download this one atleast. For me.)
06/18/2008
08/07/2008

Ahh fuck I forgot about the heroes of the web!

-Runescape- is for faggots. Don't play this.

To be honest I thought this list would be more substantial. Kinda disappointing really+the majority of people who read this blog are people who also contribute or my friends and have already had me constantly force my links upon them in MSN.

Thank you SLEEP500

2009-02-25T00:26:00.000-08:00

thank you for leading me to xtranormal.com. Here is a film i made.

this one is by Jack

this one is by Josh

Ice age: 5 potential plot spoilersssss

2009-02-23T20:25:00.000-08:00

In the Ice age movies the main character Sid the Sloth can never find love because he is too quirky and strange. I think we all remember then scene in Ice age when he tries to use the baby as a way to charm to other sloth ladies but is rudely interrupted by the saber tooth tiger. maybe in the next movie sid can be transported to modern times and he can fall in love with this girl who kinda looks like him.

Sid can meet her while he is trying to adapt to his new surroundings (preferably New York) and she can help him start his new life in the city by getting him a prominent job at a fashion magazine. Maybe then Sid could accidentally wander into some kind of fashion design room and fall over triggering all the sewing machines to make wonderful garments that everyone loves. The fame and adoration goes to his head and he does not treat his new girlfriend with respect and they break up. Sid then realizes that life is not just about being famous and popular and is very sad because she has gone away. Sid's fame passes and he has spent more money than he made on material goods like cars, gold chains&a mansion which all gets taken away from him by the repo man. The girl sees him on the street and feels sorry and takes him back to her house where he tells her that he now realizes how special she is and that he is very sorry for being so foolish. They get back together and Sid becomes a novelist and wins the Nobel prize for literature for his book "Why it is important when you are a sloth who finds a girl who looks like a sloth to not forget who you are when you accidentally become famous fashion designer" which explores the idea that is important when you are a sloth who finds a girl who looks like a sloth to not forget who you are when you accidentally become a famous fashion designer.

WoWis4faggots,faggot.

2009-02-22T23:40:00.000-08:00

This an email i wrote to Blizzard entertainment but had to post in the forums as the support email thing thought it was too long.

Dear The President of the World of Warcraft

I have been playing your game for ages now (I’m a level 73 druid if you were wondering) and there is something that really bugs about your game. People who play WoW suck at everything, especially clicking the right fucking button when the PHAT LEWT drops. Too many motherfuckers have been all “I’m sorry I clicked the wrong one!” to me and then I lose out on the rad skull shoulder plates or whatever. I know this may seem like an impossible problem to solve but I have come up with a solution and all it requires is an additional step in te sign up process&a small download. It's called “get a fucking headshot” and all you have to do is play a small section of a First person shooter and get a headshot or some shit. They player must get 3 headshots in one game before they are allowed to start playing Warcraft. This trains people to be good at clicking shit and anyone who uses the “I clicked the need instead of the greed button in the heat of the moment” excuse should get a permaban.

Because heaps of people play warcraft there are probs a few people who are too spazzo to get a headshot so maybz you would have to filter them into a “special” server and perhaps charge them like $5 more a month or something for the inconvenience they are causing and have caused in the past i.e. Bluenite from the server Dreadmaul who totally stole this dagger that I totally needed because I was using the recruit a friend program (another reason why my opinion is important) and I was leveling faster than my gear was getting better (another problem you should solve BEETEEDUBS, I tried asking a GM but that bitch was no use. She couldn’t even kill some stupid mobs that were ganking me).

Yours sincerely,
Hinto (Dath’Remar)

Here are a few unrelated pictures of my world of warcraft characters:

Tweens make more than just dance videos on youtube

2009-02-19T00:02:00.000-08:00

So I think it's hilarious that some kid in Britain has just had a kid at the age of 13 (he looks more like 9) no doubt the crafty work of popular mainstream music. I found it twice as funny as both the mother and father look like people I know, both from my school, and both are definite candidates for school shootings in my mind. Maybe that's just me.

I still remember at the vulnerable age of 12 I was trading pokemon cards and playing Duke Nuke 'Em on windows 98, but this young chap wanted to score some 'tang and start a family. The cultural barrier between New Zealand and Britain is larger than I thought. AND, for the record, some British T.V personality has claimed he looks like Alfie Patten (pre-teen father), I'm not sure why that's something worthy of claiming but he did it anyway.

His thoughts must have been something like:
"hoooooly shit, I look like that pre-tween parent from the news, sweet!"

Anyhow, tween parents = lulz.

You guys amped for haloDS?

2009-02-18T20:29:00.000-08:00

Im kinda skeptical, but it's too early to make any real judgements yet.

EDIT: turns out this joke has already been done so here is the japanese watchmen trailer.

this shit looks way more legit than the balls to tha' wall American version.+ WTF is up with them making a watchmen video game? Why do all superhero games have to be shitty brawlers? Do they have a special Dr. Manhattan's dick physics engine? Will there be a silk spectre rape mini game utilizing six axis controls? Do i get to shoot my pregnant vietnamese wife in the face?

Rules for rugby practise with Mark Roberts:

2009-02-18T00:20:00.000-08:00

1) Don't be a fucking fag

2) Always get in the ruck/scrum despite any circumstance which may prohibit

3) No leaving rugby practise early to build sniper turrets with the wooden planks at Mayfield school

4) Pass the ball regularly to Jake because he's way better than everyone else and is really tough

5) If you don't pay subs fuck off (especially Tione who never pays his subs or vet fees)

6) No kicking practise as scrums are more important

Haiku

2009-02-17T23:44:00.000-08:00

To convey my mood

in seventeen syllables

is very diffic

White lines... Do them?

2009-02-17T22:21:00.000-08:00

What happened to Joaquin?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExCg3eLA5gU

He used to be so reliable. He had a weird voice and was a wee bit creepy but come on, we still loved him. Then all these rumours about him turning to hip-hop, it’s like he is having a mid life crisis and he has swapped a Porsche, a divorce and a new, hot, half Latino, half Russian, 19 yr old girlfriend for baggy pants, a nose full of coke and a Rasputin beard, which doesn’t even work for the rap thing unless your you’re Matisyahu.

Who is totally orthodox, so it’s all good.

Some people say Joaquin’s transformation is a hoax. (Or at least hope it is.)

I don’t. Not enough of our celebrities have such an absurd, catastrophic and hilarious fall from grace.

Keep it up Joaquin. We are on your side, unlike that Letterman dick.

Paddington Bear hits the big screen

2009-02-17T20:40:00.000-08:00

You'd think that the down's syndrome community wasn't a big target audience for a film, but whichever company decided that making Michael Bonds Paddington Bear into a movie in 2010 must be very brave or have a lot of faith in our down's syndrome brothers and sisters.

Although next to nothing has been confirmed in the way of cast, here are a few actors I think would do well in playing/voicing Paddington Bear:

Rob Schneider
Robert Pattinson
David Duchovny
Jar-Jar Binks
Whoopi Goldburg

Wether or not you're a Paddington Bear fan either from the books or the t.v show in the mid 90's, it may be worth a look, you may just like it.

Just kidding, why would you want to see it!?

It's a talking orphan bear in a raincoat.

Interpol The new George Lucas? Myspace user << james >> says "yes"

2009-02-16T23:56:00.001-08:00

A good album review blurs the line between journalism and a sci-fi novel. A review shouldn't be a critical analysis of an album or song it instead be a piece of writing that has the very deep ideas"swarm around and around and throwing you ever deeper in to the aforementioned cosmos of depth and despair" when there was no aforementioned "cosmos of depth and despair". Instead of giving an informative and substantiated view on the album, turn on your itunes visualizer, describe what you see. Write it as if the band you are listening to is creating the images you see on screen. Is it swirling? Is it bending? Is it flashing? Synonyms of these words are the key to giving your review the illusion of diversity. it's essential for a reviewer to use "buzzwords" such as "perfect". Nothing makes a reader happier than you using the word perfect to describe an album. Use it frequently. Also try and confuse your readers by making claims that this album does things that music can't really do. << james >> boldly states "Not many bands have the ability to fashion a whole universe with their music, but Interpol carry it out perfectly, like their namesake, and keep it cool, calm and totally authentic". Saying that interpol have formed a universe in their album "turn on the bright lights" may sound like an exaggeration but many readers will be passed the point of taking anything you say literally by this stage if you have formed the body of your review right. If you take these pro-tips to heart you will no doubt have a cool aparment and a job at pitchforkmedia.org in no time.

Dell says "new laptop is a revolution in intuitive functionality"

2009-02-15T23:59:00.000-08:00

Dell has recently released the information on their line of "BBO" laptops. BBO means "Bonzi Buddy Only" as the laptops are only capable of running the popular free internet application Bonzi Buddy. Dell says that this is going to change the way that we think about how a computer should work as instead of interacting with the computer's specific programs, the user gives Bonzi buddies iconic character the little purple ape vague instructions and it will either tell a joke or print off a url that the user can look up on another computer in order to get further information on how to use the bonzi buddy.

Head of development at Dell, David Sheeterman said that they decided to go in this direction as many consumers thought that computers were becoming to complicated to use. He says users want a more "streamlined experience" so we have narrowed the computers capabilties to a few key features that are all accessed via specific commands given to the bonzi buddy.

-change screensaver from bouncing microsoft logo to pipes.
-change font of bonzi buddies speech bubbles to jokerman.
-ask Bonzi buddy to tell a joke.
-change bonzi buddy to a naked chick.

Sheeterman says that by getting rid of "unnecessary programs like microsoft word, internet explorer, the whole start bar altogether actually, we are allowing people who are may have been overwhelmed by the technology a more laid back and user-friendly experience". "I want to grab the hands of the technologically downtrodden and say "yo, have you heard of bonzi buddy?"" says Sheeterman. Readers familiar with the original Bonzi Buddy that was shut down in 2005 need not worry. The new Bonzi Buddy has not changed from the Trojan virus they know and love other than the addition of 15 jokes including ones about the 9/11 terrorist attacks in order to make the program more "culturally relevant".

Dell will be releasing the BBO series in the fall of this year at a starting price of $2500 for BBOB (Bonzi Buddy Only Basic) which is Bonzi Buddy minus the naked chick option and a traditional style mouse ball (you know, the red thing that was stuffed in the keyboard that you used instead of a mouse) as opposed to the much more functional track pad.

Antonie Dixon has just logged on...

2009-02-15T21:58:00.000-08:00

Antonie Dixon has just signed in

Antonie Dixon says:
oh hey man, how's it going?

Melbourne arsonist says:
pretty good ae. you?

Antonie Dixon says:
not bad, not bad. Been up to much lately?

Melbourne arsonist says:
Just been lighting bush-fires in Melbourne aye, LOL!
you?

Antonie Dixon says:
Ooooh yeah I heard about that I think...

Antonie Dixon says:
Not much aye. Actually just doing the time for the crime.

Melbourne Arsonist says:
Ooooh yeah... cool... awkward lol

Antonie Dixon says:
Well I better go for tea, catcha later mate.

Melbourne Arsonist says:
oh yeah same actually, cya.

Melbourne Arsonist says:
Oh wait what are you having?

Antonie Dixon says:
meat and veg I think...

Melbourne Arsonist says:
okay cool, cya.

Antonie Dixon has signed out.

12905-Wide reading assessment

2009-02-13T16:39:00.000-08:00

Book: World of Warcraft Client Patch 3.0.9.
Author: Blizzard Entertainment
Genre: Non-Fiction

World of Warcraft Client Patch 3.0.9 is the ninth patch since the release of the Wrath of the Lich King expansion pack which allowed players to go to like Northrend which is like a real cold island where you can like get to level 80. There are heeeaps of important changes that will affect the way I play World of warcraft. The most important being that the Rogue ability Hunger For Blood Now increases damage 5% (up from 3% percent) this will allow me to a lot more DPS and hopefully will give the extra AP(attack power) i need to be promoted to an Officer in the Guild. An important theme in the text is user interface bug fixes and alterations; especially ones concerning GM (GAY MASTERS JJ Game masters).

I would recommend this to anyone who likes world of warcraft (but not hunters because they are liek suuuper sucky) and maybe even people's mums who play wow so that they can see that you have to know maths to be good at the game cause there are like heaps of percentages and stuff and then maybe they would take off the parentals controls on the kid's accounts because they would think that it is making the kid good at maths or something.

I give this book 4/5 stars. It would have been 5/5 if it had taken huntards out of the game >_< !!!!!!!!!!!JJ

Aidan Marshall
11R

Fuck the Prom Queen: Bad Week

2009-02-13T03:23:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, sorry it has been a while since I lasted posted some bad stuff has going on in my life at the moment that has restricted my internet use. The main thing was the internet wasn't working so I got my cousin to fix it but he's is all about protection software so he made me defragment my hard drive and it took forevvvvveeerrrrrrr because i have like every single episode of Naruto, Bleach and Gundam wing on there plus various other anime's (upwards of 1 terabyte in total). This lead to me not being able to use beebz for about 5 days and my friends were really pissed because I couldn't give them Luv's. We aren't really talking at the moment. Luckily i took this beebz test and found out that my lucky metal is Aluminum so I've been drinking about 5 can's of demon a day as opposed to the plastic bottles. It tooka bit of getting used to at first but I'm getting there. One good thing that happened was I bought a fake lip ring which doesn't dig in as much the others i have had. SUCCESS.

Fav Music ATM: Scars on broadway
Reading ATM: Some book for english. I hate school so much, they never let you be original. not even the books you read.
Watching ATM: Naruto Shippuden

A dangerous move for tvnz?

2009-02-11T23:54:00.000-08:00

Attention all!

New Zealand television has done it again!

After such classics as 'Neighbours at War' and 'Motorway Patrol' as well as the critically acclaimed 'Piha Rescue' we can now proudly add 'Who Dares Wins' to our list of embarassing television shows!

I'm sure you all remember the original Who Dares Wins show set in Australia, and hosted by none other than the legendary pedophile, Mike Whitney:

Each of us remember the good old days where dear old Mike Whitney would pay a random passer by a fair sum of $50 to do absolutely anything he asked...

Mike Whitney: You! Suck my dick! Fifty dollars...
Passer By: Wha-
Mike Whitey: Come on, who dares wins!
Passer By: Oooh, alright then!

Furthermore, the New Zealand version will be hosted by none other than minor drug offender Mark Ellis and Treasure Island celebrity Lana Coc-Kroft.

There is a God.

Chris Brown's tussle with Rihanna actually a desperate attempt to stay alive?

2009-02-11T22:22:00.000-08:00

Chris Brown has been in the headlines recently for his alleged "scrap" with girlfriend Rihanna after receiving a "booty-call" style text message from another woman. Pissed of, Rihanna tried to get out of the vehicle after a loud argument witnesses say, and that is when Brown started to hit her. But was this simply a violent act of anger? Or a desperate bid to save his own life? All you have to do is look into his lyrics to find out that maybe this wasn't as sinister as it appears. In his song "Hearts all over the world tonight" Brown explicitly states:
And I...
Will never try to deny,
That you're my whole life,
'Cause if you ever let me go,
I would die...
So I won't front,
I don't need another woman,
I just need it all or nothing

The key phrase in this being "if you ever let me go, I would die" is it possible that Brown is somehow attached to Rihanna by some kind of curse or witchery? Was he simply doing whatever he could to keep Rihanna within his grasp? But this brings about the question, why didn't he just that he was magically bound to her and that separation would result in instant death? The answer is simple, most of Brown's fans are middle class white people many conservative christians who would surely boycott any artist who was involved in the dark arts. His career would be ruined. This is obviously mere speculation and at this stage Brown is not admitting to any witchery and is up for charges of domestic violence (soooooooooo mainstream).

The Haka.

2009-02-11T01:02:00.001-08:00

As I was going through my e-mail archives i found a document I had saved off a school laptop about 2 years ago. I feel cruel showing this but i feel as though it is of vital importance that people can read it. It is an essay style analysis of the Haka by someone from my school. It's the most beautiful thing i have ever read. I will keep the authors name a secret for their sake.

Name of tape: Haka.

Author: unknown.

Date 9th march 2007

The images that I see when I see the haka are maria worries getting ready for a fight/war, they are siking out the enemy and they look strong and with no fair they have big eyes and looking straight at the enemy.

The pace of the haka is inconstant in the beginning it starts off slowly and then gets gradugey faster as the haka goes on andm the men join in. for example when the leader calls his men into battle its very slow and then when the men join in it gets faster.

This shows the pase of the haka is important because it helps the men get ready for battle and builds up there adrenalin and gets them racked up and try to scare the opponent out. The purpose of the haka is to get the men hipped up. The all blacks do this to get them ready for battle, game, match and to scare the opponent and get the crowed ready. For example when the whole team joins in it gets very loud and imtimadating. This shows that the purpose of the haka is to scare the opponent.

When I hear the haka I feel joy and pride. I feel this because the all blacks are playing of new Zealanders us. For example when the all blacks play and do the haka they are pretty much the only team that does the haka. This shows that when I hear the haka I feel very joyful and proud.

Shoe thrower receives Iraq's highest honor.

2009-02-10T21:13:00.000-08:00

John Key's tussle with a little Maori boy at Waitangi last weekend reminded me of the Iraqi dude who threw his shoe at George W. Bush. That guy has had a monument in the shape of a shoe put up in honour of him. This came as a rather large surprise to me as i thought any sense of humour that the Iraqi's may have had would have been destroyed along with their capital city. This caused me to realise that monuments don't just have to be in memory of some old guy who just so happened to stumble upon a lake or a river with some gold in. Perhaps a statue in honour of Antonie Dixon, perhaps a little more controversial than a shoe but imagine the press it would get if it depicted him in mid swing of his samurai sword, perhaps a P-pipe poking out of his front pocket. People would flock from around the globe to see this wonderful monument in honour of our nations craziest killer. Perhaps the increased tourism would get us out of recession, assuming that statue goers also take a ride on the luge or some shit.

The pretty mediocre old days

2009-02-02T00:09:00.000-08:00

Old people talk about the good old days with some kind of bitter hatred towards progress in their voice as if the last 50 years have somehow wronged them by producing telephones and a cure for polio. Thank god we (the more down to earth and self- righteous in our progressive attitudes) can embrace progress because when I think of the "old days" I think of every shitty pre-useful internet era joke that would be circulated by every office worker who had been given the honor of knowing the companies dial-up password and was about to enter a land of websites that were perpetually under construction (you could always tell this by the smiley faces holding stop signs and jack hammers). So until cumguzzlingbuttsluts.com was launched everyone just circulated the video of the Alien singing "I will survive" and other such shit that makes you want to rip out your ethernet cable and shove it up your urethra. Although at the time I guess all that shit was pretty rad, like when people first saw a film and even thought it was just a 5 second clip of train pulling into the station everyone ran out screaming but in the case of the internet it was you and your friends gathered round the Korean kids gateway computer (the one they used to give away on double dare 2000) and you had spent the last half hour waiting for the "papa smurf lick my ass" flash video to load on funnyjunk.com hoping that it would be done in time so his mum wouldn't be back from the grocery store and kick us off for watching that smut.

Remembering the existence of funnyjunk.com I decided to hit it up to see how it was keeping up. Sadly most of the classics have been deleted.

In memory of shitty flash animations:

-Star wars rap
-Papa smurf lick my ass
-Scary basckstreet boys one
-Scary where's wally
-"hooked on a feeling" baby
-the one with the indian guy on the phone
-Arnold Schwarzenegger Pizza shop
-The kid at my primary school who got caught google searching the word "Lesbos" (this isn't related at all but I just thought it was funny)

EDIT: A remnant of the old internet lives on in this Dragon ball Z fan page. When you see it you will "know what a legendary super saiyan is fighting". I used to get the gifs off this site and put them on my desktop so i could move them around and make it look like they were fighting.

Jesus plays a Fender Stratocaster

2009-02-01T23:09:00.000-08:00

I first began to realise that Jesus Christ hated me after I was involunteerily conscripted to play drums for the Blenheim Nativity Church band. Both my mother and the various church administrators whom I was verbally pack raped by can be held accountable for this atrocity.

After several contemplations to flee town, my mind settled on the "what could i possibly lose" approach. Meeting new people and expanding my musical palette could surely result in nothing but benefit and prosperity, right? And what's more, the church had a Roland Electric drum kit, capable of vast timbral landscapes including an "808 hip-hop setting". Things were looking good, and the big man was happy.

Arriving at first practise I was greeted by an over zealous sensational hyper-evangelical man named James; the band leader. He soon showed me around before sitting me down at the drums with band mates Mike, Peter and Tom. "Alright, let's start with 'Jesus is Awesome'" he announced enthusiastically.

It then dawned upon me that South Park was more accurate than I had preconceived.

From the first guitar chord, a Cmaj7 (the gayest chord possible) I realised I was in deep trouble. Not only did this music sound like Brooke Fraser's latest album multiplied by 12, everyone around me was in some kind of hypnotic euphoric trance. I played along reluctantly, carefully avoiding mistakes that might displease Jesus and send me to hell.

The song finished, and so did practise eventually. I couldn't of hated any form of music more. It made Paul Simon's slap bass solo from his 1987 hit 'You can call me Al' sound good. It's not often something grinds my gears, but christian music is fucking awful, and the best possible thing that could ever amount from being in a church band is the opportunity to play on Joel Osteen's tv show, the most vacuous prick ever. What's more, I'm not even allowed to set the electric drums on the "stadium metal" configuration, which makes them sound as if they're straight off a sub-par Megadeth record.

"So, same time next week Josh?"

fuuuuuuuuck

Rage against the machine

2009-02-01T21:55:00.000-08:00

Before I begin, (I'm about to say some pretty bad shit about brethren, but it's not like they're going to read this anyway.)

As our world begins to make monumental advances in technology, one can't help but spare a thought for our right-wing friends the exclusive brethren and think "oh man, they're so fucked".

And when I say fucked, I mean really fucked.

The word 'exclusive' in 'exclusive brethren' translates in my mind to the shunning of conventional society and technology/fun altogether. I once had two kids at my school named Vernon and Jayden Fisher who were exclusive brethren (I called them the dynamic-duo)and they had to leave the classroom whenever the class watched a video or engaged in a discussion about sex, puberty about how to safely avoid having children... (it's no wonder brethren families are so fucking huge).

I can recall in my earlier years Vernon once showing me his gameboy, and I asked him "hey don't your people hate video games and shit?" little did I know that Vernon's gameboy was a sneaky gameboy that he'd hidden in his room. To this day I still do now know how he managed to get batteries. In my imagination the typical brethren childs room consists of a dirty old camp stretcher with a smelly blanket and a bible under the pillow, not much different to real life I guess.

So I just think it's pretty weird that as technology advances and helps in improving life with medicine that prevents cancer and machinery that helps with kidney diseases that the brethren prefer just to 'tough it out' rather than get proper treatment.

And I'm pretty sure if there was a God he'd be up to his neck in the latest video games.

Gotta put on my reflective jacket coz the future looks dark

2009-01-28T00:22:00.000-08:00

At the moment it's hard to find a piece of news that puts a spring in your step but today was different. The baby Budha used his black walt disney magic and delivered us the news that New Zealand Idol runner up Michael Murphy was now "taking a break from his music" and working with a road gang. This warms my heart as that season of New Zealand Idol was played during my "fuck off mum i listen to nirvana now" phase and i had to put up with my family adoring fucking Michael Murphy. My brother had a poster and my mum once said "He is the one who will come out on top" after Superstar Ben Lummis took the title of New Zealand Idol. OHH YEAHH MUM HE'S THE REAL WINNER! LOOK AT HIS FLOURISHING CAREER JO! LOOK HOW WELL HE IS DOING! SEE HOW GOOD HE IS! HE IS SOOOO GOOD THAT HE DOESN'T EVEN SING WHILE HE BUILDS THE ROAD BECAUSE HE IS A PROFESSIONAL "AND PROFESSIONAL'S DON'T SING FOR FREE"!

So you can take your super fashionable jean shorts and get the fuck out of my life Michael. You have caused me more pain than any D-grade New Zealand celebrity ever should have.

Poetry: The being 12 blues

2009-01-22T02:14:00.000-08:00

Fuck mum
Fuck my step dad
Fuck my sister jodie when she is always being a bitch and shit
Fuck my teacher because he is always being a dick to me and he look like a gay
Fuck the hairdresser always doing what mum says and not me
Fuck my mum coming home drunk and falling on my playstation
Fuck my step dad for telling her not to buy me a new one
Fuck my step dad again for blaming the porn mum found on the computer on me
Fuck like having to bike to school and shit
Fuck my friend Quade always lying about how rare his yu-gi-oh cards are
Fuck having to read this WHOLE book at school because the book is gay and like about some dumb bitch
Fuck like having to use my sports shoes as my skate shoes
Fuck like Stacey being a slut and always like giving handjobs to like heaps of guys even though we were going out
Fuck when i like go to grandma's we always have to watch the gay as news and shit
Fuck like Helen clark for being a lesbo bitch and always like arresting guys just coz they have skylines and shit
Fuck that gay shit baby music my sister listens to
Fuck mum for not buying me eminems new album just coz it has like swearing and shit. She doesn't know that it has like real good lyrics that have like fully heaps of meanings and shit

By jayden

Evidently Rutland-town

2009-01-22T01:11:00.000-08:00

Gangs have always had a place on our Earth, ranging from the notorious highwaymen in the 1700's to modern day gangs in South Auckland. But one breed of gang that the world has yet lay eyes on are 'online gangs' such as the recently formed online neo-gang 'The Riders of Rutland'.

There's no question that this notorious online no-named group of bandits cause trouble and indulge in the odd bit of michief, but where can you find the Riders of Rutland? And what are their beliefs?

These bullet points we know are fact:

The Riders of Rutland are a non-terrorist group,
The Riders of Rutland are strongly patriotic in the online sense,
The Riders of Rutland are non-violent in R.L (Real Life) but are extremely violent and agressive online.
The Riders of Rutland's name is believed to have come from the street 'Rutland Street' located in North/Eastern Papanui, Christchurch.

Even now, little is known about the Riders of Rutland as they are highly elusive due to the minimal population of the gang although it is known that they plague the internet as well as online games such as World of Warcraft and Halo 3.

But how will you recognise a member of the Riders of Rutland? And what will you do when they begin their reign of terror upon you?

Firstly, remain calm, the Riders of R utland will be unable to grief you continually as more often than not you won't be the only target.
You will be able to recognise a member of the gang by their signature insults such as:

"Welcome to the pro-zone!!"
"Faggot!"
"Learn to play the game, dick"
"Pussy, yeeeaaaaah!"

That said it is unlikely that you'll encounter the Riders of Rutland on more than one occasion, the internet is a large and ever expanding universe, mind you there is no telling when they may strike.

Heroes of the web: The Bella Cullen Project

2009-01-20T02:13:00.000-08:00

The Bella Cullen Project, a hot, three piece all girl act from Arlington Texas with a fetish for wrist corsages were shot to the status of E-grade MySpace celebrities after they performed a number of their twilight themed, boring girl rock songs at the midnight release of the third book in Stephanie"mormon bitch" Meyers Twilight series. The Bella Cullen project are different from other fan bands such as wizard rock group “harry and the potters” who manage to pull off a nerdy, hyper fan image with it seeming creepy or obsessive, unlike the Bella Cullen project (TBCP) who are creepy and obsessive. Their lyrics could only make sense to someone familiar with the novels and otherwise just sound ridiculous/retarded when out of context which really narrows their chances of making it in the mainstream but opens up the possibility of gaining a cult following.

You smell like werewolf/vampire
You smell like werewolf/vampire
You smell like werewolf/vampire
Tonight

(This is an extract from their song “vampwolf”. I feel as though it is vastly improved if you say it “ you smell like werewolf SLASH vampire tonight”)

TBCP have posted no quotes from critics and instead have taken a more ironic method to promotion by posting a picture of them on stage playing to an empty room on the store page of their website www.bellacullenproject.com.

While TBCP may not be a champion team, they certainly are a team of champions.

Tori
Tori is the fattest girl in the group and also has the worst looking face, which is obviously a tactical move on the part of the other girls part in order to make themselves look better in comparison (see: the spice girl who always had to wear the scummy gym clothes while the others wore mini skirts and leopard print leotards). Being the pudgier girl means that she also has some “problems of self” and according to her bio on their website poetry helps her to “make sense of her own brain :p” note: the emoticon is used to show that she is down to earth and doesn’t take herself to seriously like skinny girls.

Chandler
The unfortunately named Chandler is the most passionate member of the group. She idolizes the Jonas brothers and how dedicated they are to their music and she tries to incorporate these values into her own life. Chandler is also the most attractive member, if only for Tori’s comparative non-petiteness.

Ally
Ally is the member of the group who you look at and can’t help but think that she will be the victim of date rape at some point in her life. She isn’t ugly (but not quite attractive either. An uglier more boring Tina Fey) and she is thin making her more likely to succumb to the effects of alcohol making life easier for the rapist as he doesn’t need to use any sort of pill, avoiding any unwanted court cases. Not that she looks like the type that would exchange her dignity for one rapist behind bars anywayz.

TBCP are a justifiably overlooked band due to their boring girlness and twilight theme. Although one song grabbed me in a way that no other has in a while. The girls have done a cover of Linkin Park’s “numb” a pre-teen angst anthem (we just have to assume that Tori chose this one because… y’know) that just stole my heart and never gave it back.