Thursday, May 28, 2009

In this post: "Fat fucks"

Came across this website called it's basically a website that sells products designed for morbidly obese people. When I find something like this it makes me sad for all the comedians out there who put hours and hours into making videos or whatever that people are supposed to find funny when someone who is trying to cater to the needs of someone blows anything they say out of the water with out the slightest intention or effort. 

on you can purchase:
-A toilet seat with what looks like scaffolding fastened to it so you can get your fat fuck ass up and off this thing without having to worry that you're going to end up with shattered porcelain embedded in yr bo'sack.
- A long rod with a pair off nail clippers attached because there's no way you're going to be reaching your toes for anything less motivating than someone with a gun to your head and even then the chances are slim.
-There's also a rod for wiping your ass with
-A hammock that utilizes the same mater
ial and methods as fucking golden gate bridge
-A shower curtain that curves in the middle so you can shower without your pudgy little belly touching the curtain
-A bench that straddles the side of the bath tub in case the journey from your mobility scooter to tub becomes too exhausting and you need a rest
-scales that have a 1000lb weight capacity so you know when it's time to upgrade your bathtub transfer bench to something a little more sturdy
-A variety of garments that go up sizes XXXXXXL (other wise known as a "shame tarp")
-In order to store your XXXXXXL garments you're going to need some coat hangers with the wing span of an albatross and they just so h
appen to stock them aswell

Happy shopping readers!

What's that? your fingies are too pudgie to enter
 your credit card number?!  I have a solution!
Might have to make do with a piece of pocky till this baby arrives

A post about music

Haven't done a blog about music in a while. Things kinda got a lil' crazy for a while. Posting stuff that would fit under the category "miscellaneous". I guess the pageviews and links from other sites went to my head. So in this blog I return to my roots.

I haven't been blown away by any new music lately. Pitchfork are all like "listen to grizzly bear" and I'm all "i guess that song with the video is ok/10" but I'm not deep enough to get them. Then I heard "video games" by Black Out and i was like "wish more bands would be like black out because their lyrics are actually about stuff not just like disjointed phrases with deeper/nonexistent meaning". Video games is a so
ng that is relevant to my interests 'coz i like video games and sometimes feel like playing video games instead of going to school.

You can buy this song off itunes or from this website if you're mad keen to put this on yr ipod or yr zune(just kidding, zunes are fucking gay).

I also like Black Out because they are a band that go out of their way for their fans. For example when they post lyrics on their website they tell you when there are going to be guitar/drum solos so you can better prepare for the coming onslaught of "sick licks and mad fills".

Recess Blues
Copyright 200

Intro--Drum Fill--Guitar solo
Woke up this morning and got outa bed.
Jumped in the shower and washed my head
Put on my cloth
es and made up
 my bed
Crammed down my breakfast left my spelling unread
Hopped on the b
us, headed straight to the back
Got in trouble a
nd tore my back pack

Sent to the office like I was to blameGiven detention, man that's really lame
Smiled at the t
eacher like nothing was wrong
Sat at my desk and started writing 
this song
Whoah the recess blues

(chorus)Recess, recess, that's what I'd rather do
Reading, spelling, don't have a clueRecess, recess, that's what I'd rather do
It's all enough to make a kid really blue

Ya, ya, ya, ya.......


I've been listening to Suicide Season by Bring Me the Horizon lately and it sounds good to me+gets me amped. However, Pitchfork haven't reviewed it and this is causing me a bit of anxiety as I don't know whether it's ok to like it or not. I feel that maybe it's not ok to like because they are a metalcore band and have some pretty brutal album art. I'm really not sure. "the only thing i know for sure is that i can't sleep at night(coz i don't know if i'm allowed to like the band i like)"

I'm being serious in this last part. I really do like Bring me the Horizon. Don't know what's happening to me+anyone know if enter shikari's new album is any good?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Unsuccessful troll is unsuccessful

Some tweets on facespace alerted me to the fact that the extension english class have their own discussion boards on the school's website. Naturally I felt the urge to go on there and "troll the shit" out of it. Unfortunately I am in the "working man's" english class and am not allowed to even view what the wunderkinds have posted. This is why I need all two of my loyal followers to cyber bully the two other contributors of LouderThanBombs into trolling that shit for me as they are in the smart class but have so far wasted the wonderful opportunity that has been placed in their lap. I would hate for them to finish school and look back with a feeling of regret knowing that they didn't "seize the day" like Robin Williams. It doesn't have to be anything offensive or pornographic. 

Just pretend you're this guy and I'll be happy.

interests:Naruto, Bleach, Naruto, that song by P.O.D. that is like "BOOM! HERE COMES THE BOOM! READY OR NOT/HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?!"

Friday, May 22, 2009

In this blog: preteens, cellphones, cellphones in preteen's vaginas, in class masturbation and my "dick hole". I'm pretty ashamed of myself.

There was a kid called Bradley who went to my primary school. Bradley was a badass. Bradley was the kid who tells you about all the badass things he does.

"Hey man, you should totally come to this party in the weekend. There are gonna be heaps of chicks there but there isn't gonna be any booze so the chicks are fully gonna let me stick my camera phone up their pussies and take a photo."

Bradley actually said this. I never went to this party but I was fully sold on the fact that Bradley was going to this party and that he was going to stick a camera phone up a girl's (12 year old girl's) vagina. I had no reason not to believe this. Bradley was a fountain of knowledge for all things sex. He was a self proclaimed sex maniac. He proved it by masturbating in class one day without the teacher noticing. Bradley tried to convince me at the tender age of 11 that I better start having sex soon because if you don't do it by age sixteen your dick hole will grow over and I'll never be able to have babies. This terrified me as a preteen as I didn't know any girls who I could have sex with and I lacked Bradley's power over women. It looked like I was going to have to live life with a closed over dick hole. I'm now seventeen, haven't had sex and my dick hole has not closed over so I should probably give Bradley a call and tell him that all the sex that he said he had but didn't was in vain cuz your dick hole doesn't close up after all.

Thks fr th mmrs

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Putting a title on this blog seems pointless when it's about the title of another article that makes this title look shit.

You know a news headline is good when it's the first thing you see on the page even when there is an image of a guy in rugby headgear putting a shotgun to his head on the same page.

"You couldn't fucking help yourself could ya Dean... You had to fucking jizz on her... Sometimes I wonder what the hell is going on in that head of yours. I mean, haven't you seen CSI:Miami? The first thing they look for is fucking jizz. They search high and low for the stuff. You go ahead and make it easy for them! Just jizzin' all over her corpse like there's no tomorrow! I paid good money for you to go to that "Kip McGrath" place and this is what I get. A son who can't keep his jizz to his fucking self...."

Thursday, May 7, 2009

let's get OTP and recreate famous/shocking photos

Treatment of a helpless person in a bad situation during the war in Iraq
Treatment of a helpless person in a bad situation during a Christchurch house party

Special thanks to the facebook "highlights" collumn