Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Thank you SLEEP500

thank you for leading me to Here is a film i made.

this one is by Jack

this one is by Josh

Monday, February 23, 2009

Ice age: 5 potential plot *spoilersssss*

In the Ice age movies the main character Sid the Sloth can never find love because he is too quirky and strange. I think we all remember then scene in Ice age when he tries to use the baby as a way to charm to other sloth ladies but is rudely interrupted by the saber tooth tiger. maybe in the next movie sid can be transported to modern times and he can fall in love with this girl who kinda looks like him.

Sid can meet her while he is trying to adapt to his new surroundings (preferably New York) and she can help him start his new life in the city by getting him a prominent job at a fashion magazine. Maybe then Sid could accidentally wander into some kind of fashion design room and fall over triggering all the sewing machines to make wonderful garments that everyone loves. The fame and adoration goes to his head and he does not treat his new girlfriend with respect and they break up. Sid then realizes that life is not just about being famous and popular and is very sad because she has gone away. Sid's fame passes and he has spent more money than he made on material goods like cars, gold chains&a mansion which all gets taken away from him by the repo man. The girl sees him on the street and feels sorry and takes him back to her house where he tells her that he now realizes how special she is and that he is very sorry for being so foolish. They get back together and Sid becomes a novelist and wins the Nobel prize for literature for his book "Why it is important when you are a sloth who finds a girl who looks like a sloth to not forget who you are when you accidentally become famous fashion designer" which explores the idea that is important when you are a sloth who finds a girl who looks like a sloth to not forget who you are when you accidentally become a famous fashion designer.

Sunday, February 22, 2009


This an email i wrote to Blizzard entertainment but had to post in the forums as the support email thing thought it was too long.

Dear The President of the World of Warcraft

I have been playing your game for ages now (I’m a level 73 druid if you were wondering) and there is something that really bugs about your game. People who play WoW suck at everything, especially clicking the right fucking button when the PHAT LEWT drops. Too many motherfuckers have been all “I’m sorry I clicked the wrong one!” to me and then I lose out on the rad skull shoulder plates or whatever. I know this may seem like an impossible problem to solve but I have come up with a solution and all it requires is an additional step in te sign up process&a small download. It's called “get a fucking headshot” and all you have to do is play a small section of a First person shooter and get a headshot or some shit. They player must get 3 headshots in one game before they are allowed to start playing Warcraft. This trains people to be good at clicking shit and anyone who uses the “I clicked the need instead of the greed button in the heat of the moment” excuse should get a permaban.

Because heaps of people play warcraft there are probs a few people who are too spazzo to get a headshot so maybz you would have to filter them into a “special” server and perhaps charge them like $5 more a month or something for the inconvenience they are causing and have caused in the past i.e. Bluenite from the server Dreadmaul who totally stole this dagger that I totally needed because I was using the recruit a friend program (another reason why my opinion is important) and I was leveling faster than my gear was getting better (another problem you should solve BEETEEDUBS, I tried asking a GM but that bitch was no use. She couldn’t even kill some stupid mobs that were ganking me).

Yours sincerely,
Hinto (Dath’Remar)

Here are a few unrelated pictures of my world of warcraft characters:

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Tweens make more than just dance videos on youtube

So I think it's hilarious that some kid in Britain has just had a kid at the age of 13 (he looks more like 9) no doubt the crafty work of popular mainstream music. I found it twice as funny as both the mother and father look like people I know, both from my school, and both are definite candidates for school shootings in my mind. Maybe that's just me.

I still remember at the vulnerable age of 12 I was trading pokemon cards and playing Duke Nuke 'Em on windows 98, but this young chap wanted to score some 'tang and start a family. The cultural barrier between New Zealand and Britain is larger than I thought. AND, for the record, some British T.V personality has claimed he looks like Alfie Patten (pre-teen father), I'm not sure why that's something worthy of claiming but he did it anyway.
His thoughts must have been something like:
"hoooooly shit, I look like that pre-tween parent from the news, sweet!"
Anyhow, tween parents = lulz.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

You guys amped for haloDS?

Im kinda skeptical, but it's too early to make any real judgements yet.

EDIT: turns out this joke has already been done so here is the japanese watchmen trailer.

this shit looks way more legit than the balls to tha' wall American version.+ WTF is up with them making a watchmen video game? Why do all superhero games have to be shitty brawlers? Do they have a special Dr. Manhattan's dick physics engine? Will there be a silk spectre rape mini game utilizing six axis controls? Do i get to shoot my pregnant vietnamese wife in the face?

Rules for rugby practise with Mark Roberts:

1) Don't be a fucking fag

2) Always get in the ruck/scrum despite any circumstance which may prohibit

3) No leaving rugby practise early to build sniper turrets with the wooden planks at Mayfield school

4) Pass the ball regularly to Jake because he's way better than everyone else and is really tough

5) If you don't pay subs fuck off (especially Tione who never pays his subs or vet fees)

6) No kicking practise as scrums are more important

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


To convey my mood
in seventeen syllables
is very diffic

White lines... Do them?

What happened to Joaquin?

He used to be so reliable. He had a weird voice and was a wee bit creepy but come on, we still loved him. Then all these rumours about him turning to hip-hop, it’s like he is having a mid life crisis and he has swapped a Porsche, a divorce and a new, hot, half Latino, half Russian, 19 yr old girlfriend for baggy pants, a nose full of coke and a Rasputin beard, which doesn’t even work for the rap thing unless your you’re Matisyahu.

Who is totally orthodox, so it’s all good.

Some people say Joaquin’s transformation is a hoax. (Or at least hope it is.)

I don’t. Not enough of our celebrities have such an absurd, catastrophic and hilarious fall from grace.

Keep it up Joaquin. We are on your side, unlike that Letterman dick.

Paddington Bear hits the big screen

You'd think that the down's syndrome community wasn't a big target audience for a film, but whichever company decided that making Michael Bonds Paddington Bear into a movie in 2010 must be very brave or have a lot of faith in our down's syndrome brothers and sisters.

Although next to nothing has been confirmed in the way of cast, here are a few actors I think would do well in playing/voicing Paddington Bear:

  • Rob Schneider
  • Robert Pattinson
  • David Duchovny
  • Jar-Jar Binks
  • Whoopi Goldburg
Wether or not you're a Paddington Bear fan either from the books or the t.v show in the mid 90's, it may be worth a look, you may just like it.

Just kidding, why would you want to see it!?

It's a talking orphan bear in a raincoat.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Interpol The new George Lucas? Myspace user << james >> says "yes"

A good album review blurs the line between journalism and a sci-fi novel. A review shouldn't be a critical analysis of an album or song it instead be a piece of writing that has the very deep ideas"swarm around and around and throwing you ever deeper in to the aforementioned cosmos of depth and despair" when there was no aforementioned "cosmos of depth and despair". Instead of giving an informative and substantiated view on the album, turn on your itunes visualizer, describe what you see. Write it as if the band you are listening to is creating the images you see on screen. Is it swirling? Is it bending? Is it flashing? Synonyms of these words are the key to giving your review the illusion of diversity. it's essential for a reviewer to use "buzzwords" such as "perfect". Nothing makes a reader happier than you using the word perfect to describe an album. Use it frequently. Also try and confuse your readers by making claims that this album does things that music can't really do. << james >> boldly states "Not many bands have the ability to fashion a whole universe with their music, but Interpol carry it out perfectly, like their namesake, and keep it cool, calm and totally authentic". Saying that interpol have formed a universe in their album "turn on the bright lights" may sound like an exaggeration but many readers will be passed the point of taking anything you say literally by this stage if you have formed the body of your review right. If you take these pro-tips to heart you will no doubt have a cool aparment and a job at in no time.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Dell says "new laptop is a revolution in intuitive functionality"

Dell has recently released the information on their line of "BBO" laptops. BBO means "Bonzi Buddy Only" as the laptops are only capable of running the popular free internet application Bonzi Buddy. Dell says that this is going to change the way that we think about how a computer should work as instead of interacting with the computer's specific programs, the user gives Bonzi buddies iconic character the little purple ape vague instructions and it will either tell a joke or print off a url that the user can look up on another computer in order to get further information on how to use the bonzi buddy.

Head of development at Dell, David Sheeterman said that they decided to go in this direction as many consumers thought that computers were becoming to complicated to use. He says users want a more "streamlined experience" so we have narrowed the computers capabilties to a few key features that are all accessed via specific commands given to the bonzi buddy.

-change screensaver from bouncing microsoft logo to pipes.
-change font of bonzi buddies speech bubbles to jokerman.
-ask Bonzi buddy to tell a joke.
-change bonzi buddy to a naked chick.

Sheeterman says that by getting rid of "unnecessary programs like microsoft word, internet explorer, the whole start bar altogether actually, we are allowing people who are may have been overwhelmed by the technology a more laid back and user-friendly experience". "I want to grab the hands of the technologically downtrodden and say "yo, have you heard of bonzi buddy?"" says Sheeterman. Readers familiar with the original Bonzi Buddy that was shut down in 2005 need not worry. The new Bonzi Buddy has not changed from the Trojan virus they know and love other than the addition of 15 jokes including ones about the 9/11 terrorist attacks in order to make the program more "culturally relevant".

Dell will be releasing the BBO series in the fall of this year at a starting price of $2500 for BBOB (Bonzi Buddy Only Basic) which is Bonzi Buddy minus the naked chick option and a traditional style mouse ball (you know, the red thing that was stuffed in the keyboard that you used instead of a mouse) as opposed to the much more functional track pad.

Antonie Dixon has just logged on...

Antonie Dixon has just signed in

Antonie Dixon says:
oh hey man, how's it going?

Melbourne arsonist says:
pretty good ae. you?

Antonie Dixon says:
not bad, not bad. Been up to much lately?

Melbourne arsonist says:
Just been lighting bush-fires in Melbourne aye, LOL!

Antonie Dixon says:
Ooooh yeah I heard about that I think...

Antonie Dixon says:
Not much aye. Actually just doing the time for the crime.

Melbourne Arsonist says:
Ooooh yeah... cool... awkward lol

Antonie Dixon says:
Well I better go for tea, catcha later mate.

Melbourne Arsonist says:
oh yeah same actually, cya.

Melbourne Arsonist says:
Oh wait what are you having?

Antonie Dixon says:
meat and veg I think...

Melbourne Arsonist says:
okay cool, cya.

Antonie Dixon has signed out.

Friday, February 13, 2009

12905-Wide reading assessment

Book: World of Warcraft Client Patch 3.0.9.
Author: Blizzard Entertainment
Genre: Non-Fiction

World of Warcraft Client Patch 3.0.9 is the ninth patch since the release of the Wrath of the Lich King expansion pack which allowed players to go to like Northrend which is like a real cold island where you can like get to level 80. There are heeeaps of important changes that will affect the way I play World of warcraft. The most important being that the Rogue ability Hunger For Blood Now increases damage 5% (up from 3% percent) this will allow me to a lot more DPS and hopefully will give the extra AP(attack power) i need to be promoted to an Officer in the Guild. An important theme in the text is user interface bug fixes and alterations; especially ones concerning GM (GAY MASTERS JJ Game masters).

I would recommend this to anyone who likes world of warcraft (but not hunters because they are liek suuuper sucky) and maybe even people's mums who play wow so that they can see that you have to know maths to be good at the game cause there are like heaps of percentages and stuff and then maybe they would take off the parentals controls on the kid's accounts because they would think that it is making the kid good at maths or something.

I give this book 4/5 stars. It would have been 5/5 if it had taken huntards out of the game >_< !!!!!!!!!!!JJ

Aidan Marshall

Fuck the Prom Queen: Bad Week

Hey guys, sorry it has been a while since I lasted posted some bad stuff has going on in my life at the moment that has restricted my internet use. The main thing was the internet wasn't working so I got my cousin to fix it but he's is all about protection software so he made me defragment my hard drive and it took forevvvvveeerrrrrrr because i have like every single episode of Naruto, Bleach and Gundam wing on there plus various other anime's (upwards of 1 terabyte in total). This lead to me not being able to use beebz for about 5 days and my friends were really pissed because I couldn't give them Luv's. We aren't really talking at the moment. Luckily i took this beebz test and found out that my lucky metal is Aluminum so I've been drinking about 5 can's of demon a day as opposed to the plastic bottles. It tooka bit of getting used to at first but I'm getting there. One good thing that happened was I bought a fake lip ring which doesn't dig in as much the others i have had. SUCCESS.

Fav Music ATM: Scars on broadway
Reading ATM: Some book for english. I hate school so much, they never let you be original. not even the books you read.
Watching ATM: Naruto Shippuden

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

A dangerous move for tvnz?

Attention all!

New Zealand television has done it again!

After such classics as 'Neighbours at War' and 'Motorway Patrol' as well as the critically acclaimed 'Piha Rescue' we can now proudly add 'Who Dares Wins' to our list of embarassing television shows!

I'm sure you all remember the original Who Dares Wins show set in Australia, and hosted by none other than the legendary pedophile, Mike Whitney:

Each of us remember the good old days where dear old Mike Whitney would pay a random passer by a fair sum of $50 to do absolutely anything he asked...

Mike Whitney: You! Suck my dick! Fifty dollars...
Passer By: Wha-
Mike Whitey: Come on, who dares wins!
Passer By: Oooh, alright then!

Furthermore, the New Zealand version will be hosted by none other than minor drug offender Mark Ellis and Treasure Island celebrity Lana Coc-Kroft.

There is a God.

Chris Brown's tussle with Rihanna actually a desperate attempt to stay alive?

Chris Brown has been in the headlines recently for his alleged "scrap" with girlfriend Rihanna after receiving a "booty-call" style text message from another woman. Pissed of, Rihanna tried to get out of the vehicle after a loud argument witnesses say, and that is when Brown started to hit her. But was this simply a violent act of anger? Or a desperate bid to save his own life? All you have to do is look into his lyrics to find out that maybe this wasn't as sinister as it appears. In his song "Hearts all over the world tonight" Brown explicitly states:
And I...
Will never try to deny,
That you're my whole life,
'Cause if you ever let me go,
I would die...
So I won't front,
I don't need another woman,
I just need it all or nothing

The key phrase in this being "if you ever let me go, I would die" is it possible that Brown is somehow attached to Rihanna by some kind of curse or witchery? Was he simply doing whatever he could to keep Rihanna within his grasp? But this brings about the question, why didn't he just that he was magically bound to her and that separation would result in instant death? The answer is simple, most of Brown's fans are middle class white people many conservative christians who would surely boycott any artist who was involved in the dark arts. His career would be ruined. This is obviously mere speculation and at this stage Brown is not admitting to any witchery and is up for charges of domestic violence (soooooooooo mainstream).

The Haka.

As I was going through my e-mail archives i found a document I had saved off a school laptop about 2 years ago. I feel cruel showing this but i feel as though it is of vital importance that people can read it. It is an essay style analysis of the Haka by someone from my school. It's the most beautiful thing i have ever read. I will keep the authors name a secret for their sake.

Name of tape: Haka.

Author: unknown.

Date 9th march 2007

The images that I see when I see the haka are maria worries getting ready for a fight/war, they are siking out the enemy and they look strong and with no fair they have big eyes and looking straight at the enemy.

The pace of the haka is inconstant in the beginning it starts off slowly and then gets gradugey faster as the haka goes on andm the men join in. for example when the leader calls his men into battle its very slow and then when the men join in it gets faster.

This shows the pase of the haka is important because it helps the men get ready for battle and builds up there adrenalin and gets them racked up and try to scare the opponent out. The purpose of the haka is to get the men hipped up. The all blacks do this to get them ready for battle, game, match and to scare the opponent and get the crowed ready. For example when the whole team joins in it gets very loud and imtimadating. This shows that the purpose of the haka is to scare the opponent.

When I hear the haka I feel joy and pride. I feel this because the all blacks are playing of new Zealanders us. For example when the all blacks play and do the haka they are pretty much the only team that does the haka. This shows that when I hear the haka I feel very joyful and proud.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Shoe thrower receives Iraq's highest honor.

John Key's tussle with a little Maori boy at Waitangi last weekend reminded me of the Iraqi dude who threw his shoe at George W. Bush. That guy has had a monument in the shape of a shoe put up in honour of him. This came as a rather large surprise to me as i thought any sense of humour that the Iraqi's may have had would have been destroyed along with their capital city. This caused me to realise that monuments don't just have to be in memory of some old guy who just so happened to stumble upon a lake or a river with some gold in. Perhaps a statue in honour of Antonie Dixon, perhaps a little more controversial than a shoe but imagine the press it would get if it depicted him in mid swing of his samurai sword, perhaps a P-pipe poking out of his front pocket. People would flock from around the globe to see this wonderful monument in honour of our nations craziest killer. Perhaps the increased tourism would get us out of recession, assuming that statue goers also take a ride on the luge or some shit.

Monday, February 2, 2009

The pretty mediocre old days

Old people talk about the good old days with some kind of bitter hatred towards progress in their voice as if the last 50 years have somehow wronged them by producing telephones and a cure for polio. Thank god we (the more down to earth and self- righteous in our progressive attitudes) can embrace progress because when I think of the "old days" I think of every shitty pre-useful internet era joke that would be circulated by every office worker who had been given the honor of knowing the companies dial-up password and was about to enter a land of websites that were perpetually under construction (you could always tell this by the smiley faces holding stop signs and jack hammers). So until was launched everyone just circulated the video of the Alien singing "I will survive" and other such shit that makes you want to rip out your ethernet cable and shove it up your urethra. Although at the time I guess all that shit was pretty rad, like when people first saw a film and even thought it was just a 5 second clip of train pulling into the station everyone ran out screaming but in the case of the internet it was you and your friends gathered round the Korean kids gateway computer (the one they used to give away on double dare 2000) and you had spent the last half hour waiting for the "papa smurf lick my ass" flash video to load on hoping that it would be done in time so his mum wouldn't be back from the grocery store and kick us off for watching that smut.

Remembering the existence of I decided to hit it up to see how it was keeping up. Sadly most of the classics have been deleted.

In memory of shitty flash animations:

-Star wars rap
-Papa smurf lick my ass
-Scary basckstreet boys one
-Scary where's wally
-"hooked on a feeling" baby
-the one with the indian guy on the phone
-Arnold Schwarzenegger Pizza shop
-The kid at my primary school who got caught google searching the word "Lesbos" (this isn't related at all but I just thought it was funny)

EDIT: A remnant of the old internet lives on in this Dragon ball Z fan page. When you see it you will "know what a legendary super saiyan is fighting". I used to get the gifs off this site and put them on my desktop so i could move them around and make it look like they were fighting.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Jesus plays a Fender Stratocaster

I first began to realise that Jesus Christ hated me after I was involunteerily conscripted to play drums for the Blenheim Nativity Church band. Both my mother and the various church administrators whom I was verbally pack raped by can be held accountable for this atrocity.

After several contemplations to flee town, my mind settled on the "what could i possibly lose" approach. Meeting new people and expanding my musical palette could surely result in nothing but benefit and prosperity, right? And what's more, the church had a Roland Electric drum kit, capable of vast timbral landscapes including an "808 hip-hop setting". Things were looking good, and the big man was happy.

Arriving at first practise I was greeted by an over zealous sensational hyper-evangelical man named James; the band leader. He soon showed me around before sitting me down at the drums with band mates Mike, Peter and Tom. "Alright, let's start with 'Jesus is Awesome'" he announced enthusiastically.

It then dawned upon me that South Park was more accurate than I had preconceived.

From the first guitar chord, a Cmaj7 (the gayest chord possible) I realised I was in deep trouble. Not only did this music sound like Brooke Fraser's latest album multiplied by 12, everyone around me was in some kind of hypnotic euphoric trance. I played along reluctantly, carefully avoiding mistakes that might displease Jesus and send me to hell.

The song finished, and so did practise eventually. I couldn't of hated any form of music more. It made Paul Simon's slap bass solo from his 1987 hit 'You can call me Al' sound good. It's not often something grinds my gears, but christian music is fucking awful, and the best possible thing that could ever amount from being in a church band is the opportunity to play on Joel Osteen's tv show, the most vacuous prick ever. What's more, I'm not even allowed to set the electric drums on the "stadium metal" configuration, which makes them sound as if they're straight off a sub-par Megadeth record.

"So, same time next week Josh?"


Rage against the machine

Before I begin, (I'm about to say some pretty bad shit about brethren, but it's not like they're going to read this anyway.)

As our world begins to make monumental advances in technology, one can't help but spare a thought for our right-wing friends the exclusive brethren and think "oh man, they're so fucked".

And when I say fucked, I mean really fucked.
The word 'exclusive' in 'exclusive brethren' translates in my mind to the shunning of conventional society and technology/fun altogether. I once had two kids at my school named Vernon and Jayden Fisher who were exclusive brethren (I called them the dynamic-duo)and they had to leave the classroom whenever the class watched a video or engaged in a discussion about sex, puberty about how to safely avoid having children... (it's no wonder brethren families are so fucking huge).

I can recall in my earlier years Vernon once showing me his gameboy, and I asked him "hey don't your people hate video games and shit?" little did I know that Vernon's gameboy was a sneaky gameboy that he'd hidden in his room. To this day I still do now know how he managed to get batteries. In my imagination the typical brethren childs room consists of a dirty old camp stretcher with a smelly blanket and a bible under the pillow, not much different to real life I guess.

So I just think it's pretty weird that as technology advances and helps in improving life with medicine that prevents cancer and machinery that helps with kidney diseases that the brethren prefer just to 'tough it out' rather than get proper treatment.

And I'm pretty sure if there was a God he'd be up to his neck in the latest video games.