I first began to realise that Jesus Christ hated me after I was involunteerily conscripted to play drums for the Blenheim Nativity Church band. Both my mother and the various church administrators whom I was verbally pack raped by can be held accountable for this atrocity.
After several contemplations to flee town, my mind settled on the "what could i possibly lose" approach. Meeting new people and expanding my musical palette could surely result in nothing but benefit and prosperity, right? And what's more, the church had a Roland Electric drum kit, capable of vast timbral landscapes including an "808 hip-hop setting". Things were looking good, and the big man was happy.
Arriving at first practise I was greeted by an over zealous sensational hyper-evangelical man named James; the band leader. He soon showed me around before sitting me down at the drums with band mates Mike, Peter and Tom. "Alright, let's start with 'Jesus is Awesome'" he announced enthusiastically.
It then dawned upon me that South Park was more accurate than I had preconceived.
From the first guitar chord, a Cmaj7 (the gayest chord possible) I realised I was in deep trouble. Not only did this music sound like Brooke Fraser's latest album multiplied by 12, everyone around me was in some kind of hypnotic euphoric trance. I played along reluctantly, carefully avoiding mistakes that might displease Jesus and send me to hell.
The song finished, and so did practise eventually. I couldn't of hated any form of music more. It made Paul Simon's slap bass solo from his 1987 hit 'You can call me Al' sound good. It's not often something grinds my gears, but christian music is fucking awful, and the best possible thing that could ever amount from being in a church band is the opportunity to play on Joel Osteen's tv show, the most vacuous prick ever. What's more, I'm not even allowed to set the electric drums on the "stadium metal" configuration, which makes them sound as if they're straight off a sub-par Megadeth record.
"So, same time next week Josh?"
fuuuuuuuuck
3 comments:
Hi There Josh :-)
This is my first offical blog comment!!! XD
My first topic would have to be some of the other "Users" of this site! Firstly, Josh(The young man who plays in a church band) You seem full of pessemistic negative attitudes, You should love the fact that you're able to combine two of the greatest things in life; Prayer and Music! So let love and God in to your heart and you shall recieve a new look on life.
Regards,
Kieran
Hey fuck off jerk, you don't know shit about blogs or hacking
Hey, I just want you to see the light and let the love in. Maybe take a read of the greatest book ever written(The bible btw) :)
~~~~JESUS WALKS~~~~
Post a Comment