Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Gotta put on my reflective jacket coz the future looks dark

At the moment it's hard to find a piece of news that puts a spring in your step but today was different. The baby Budha used his black walt disney magic and delivered us the news that New Zealand Idol runner up Michael Murphy was now "taking a break from his music" and working with a road gang. This warms my heart as that season of New Zealand Idol was played during my "fuck off mum i listen to nirvana now" phase and i had to put up with my family adoring fucking Michael Murphy. My brother had a poster and my mum once said "He is the one who will come out on top" after Superstar Ben Lummis took the title of New Zealand Idol. OHH YEAHH MUM HE'S THE REAL WINNER! LOOK AT HIS FLOURISHING CAREER JO! LOOK HOW WELL HE IS DOING! SEE HOW GOOD HE IS! HE IS SOOOO GOOD THAT HE DOESN'T EVEN SING WHILE HE BUILDS THE ROAD BECAUSE HE IS A PROFESSIONAL "AND PROFESSIONAL'S DON'T SING FOR FREE"!

So you can take your super fashionable jean shorts and get the fuck out of my life Michael. You have caused me more pain than any D-grade New Zealand celebrity ever should have.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Poetry: The being 12 blues

Fuck mum
Fuck my step dad
Fuck my sister jodie when she is always being a bitch and shit
Fuck my teacher because he is always being a dick to me and he look like a gay
Fuck the hairdresser always doing what mum says and not me
Fuck my mum coming home drunk and falling on my playstation
Fuck my step dad for telling her not to buy me a new one
Fuck my step dad again for blaming the porn mum found on the computer on me
Fuck like having to bike to school and shit
Fuck my friend Quade always lying about how rare his yu-gi-oh cards are
Fuck having to read this WHOLE book at school because the book is gay and like about some dumb bitch
Fuck like having to use my sports shoes as my skate shoes
Fuck like Stacey being a slut and always like giving handjobs to like heaps of guys even though we were going out
Fuck when i like go to grandma's we always have to watch the gay as news and shit
Fuck like Helen clark for being a lesbo bitch and always like arresting guys just coz they have skylines and shit
Fuck that gay shit baby music my sister listens to
Fuck mum for not buying me eminems new album just coz it has like swearing and shit. She doesn't know that it has like real good lyrics that have like fully heaps of meanings and shit

By jayden

Evidently Rutland-town

Gangs have always had a place on our Earth, ranging from the notorious highwaymen in the 1700's to modern day gangs in South Auckland. But one breed of gang that the world has yet lay eyes on are 'online gangs' such as the recently formed online neo-gang 'The Riders of Rutland'.

There's no question that this notorious online no-named group of bandits cause trouble and indulge in the odd bit of michief, but where can you find the Riders of Rutland? And what are their beliefs?

These bullet points we know are fact:

The Riders of Rutland are a non-terrorist group,
The Riders of Rutland are strongly patriotic in the online sense,
The Riders of Rutland are non-violent in R.L (Real Life) but are extremely violent and agressive online.
The Riders of Rutland's name is believed to have come from the street 'Rutland Street' located in North/Eastern Papanui, Christchurch.

Even now, little is known about the Riders of Rutland as they are highly elusive due to the minimal population of the gang although it is known that they plague the internet as well as online games such as World of Warcraft and Halo 3.

But how will you recognise a member of the Riders of Rutland? And what will you do when they begin their reign of terror upon you?

Firstly, remain calm, the Riders of R utland will be unable to grief you continually as more often than not you won't be the only target.
You will be able to recognise a member of the gang by their signature insults such as:

"Welcome to the pro-zone!!"
"Learn to play the game, dick"
"Pussy, yeeeaaaaah!"

That said it is unlikely that you'll encounter the Riders of Rutland on more than one occasion, the internet is a large and ever expanding universe, mind you there is no telling when they may strike.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Heroes of the web: The Bella Cullen Project

The Bella Cullen Project, a hot, three piece all girl act from Arlington Texas with a fetish for wrist corsages were shot to the status of E-grade MySpace celebrities after they performed a number of their twilight themed, boring girl rock songs at the midnight release of the third book in Stephanie"mormon bitch" Meyers Twilight series. The Bella Cullen project are different from other fan bands such as wizard rock group “harry and the potters” who manage to pull off a nerdy, hyper fan image with it seeming creepy or obsessive, unlike the Bella Cullen project (TBCP) who are creepy and obsessive. Their lyrics could only make sense to someone familiar with the novels and otherwise just sound ridiculous/retarded when out of context which really narrows their chances of making it in the mainstream but opens up the possibility of gaining a cult following.

You smell like werewolf/vampire
You smell like werewolf/vampire
You smell like werewolf/vampire

(This is an extract from their song “vampwolf”. I feel as though it is vastly improved if you say it “ you smell like werewolf SLASH vampire tonight”)

TBCP have posted no quotes from critics and instead have taken a more ironic method to promotion by posting a picture of them on stage playing to an empty room on the store page of their website

While TBCP may not be a champion team, they certainly are a team of champions.

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Tori is the fattest girl in the group and also has the worst looking face, which is obviously a tactical move on the part of the other girls part in order to make themselves look better in comparison (see: the spice girl who always had to wear the scummy gym clothes while the others wore mini skirts and leopard print leotards). Being the pudgier girl means that she also has some “problems of self” and according to her bio on their website poetry helps her to “make sense of her own brain :p” note: the emoticon is used to show that she is down to earth and doesn’t take herself to seriously like skinny girls.

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The unfortunately named Chandler is the most passionate member of the group. She idolizes the Jonas brothers and how dedicated they are to their music and she tries to incorporate these values into her own life. Chandler is also the most attractive member, if only for Tori’s comparative non-petiteness.

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Ally is the member of the group who you look at and can’t help but think that she will be the victim of date rape at some point in her life. She isn’t ugly (but not quite attractive either. An uglier more boring Tina Fey) and she is thin making her more likely to succumb to the effects of alcohol making life easier for the rapist as he doesn’t need to use any sort of pill, avoiding any unwanted court cases. Not that she looks like the type that would exchange her dignity for one rapist behind bars anywayz.

TBCP are a justifiably overlooked band due to their boring girlness and twilight theme. Although one song grabbed me in a way that no other has in a while. The girls have done a cover of Linkin Park’s “numb” a pre-teen angst anthem (we just have to assume that Tori chose this one because… y’know) that just stole my heart and never gave it back.