Heroes of the web: The Bella Cullen Project

The Bella Cullen Project, a hot, three piece all girl act from Arlington Texas with a fetish for wrist corsages were shot to the status of E-grade MySpace celebrities after they performed a number of their twilight themed, boring girl rock songs at the midnight release of the third book in Stephanie"mormon bitch" Meyers Twilight series. The Bella Cullen project are different from other fan bands such as wizard rock group “harry and the potters” who manage to pull off a nerdy, hyper fan image with it seeming creepy or obsessive, unlike the Bella Cullen project (TBCP) who are creepy and obsessive. Their lyrics could only make sense to someone familiar with the novels and otherwise just sound ridiculous/retarded when out of context which really narrows their chances of making it in the mainstream but opens up the possibility of gaining a cult following.

You smell like werewolf/vampire
You smell like werewolf/vampire
You smell like werewolf/vampire
Tonight

(This is an extract from their song “vampwolf”. I feel as though it is vastly improved if you say it “ you smell like werewolf SLASH vampire tonight”)

TBCP have posted no quotes from critics and instead have taken a more ironic method to promotion by posting a picture of them on stage playing to an empty room on the store page of their website www.bellacullenproject.com.

While TBCP may not be a champion team, they certainly are a team of champions.


Tori
Tori is the fattest girl in the group and also has the worst looking face, which is obviously a tactical move on the part of the other girls part in order to make themselves look better in comparison (see: the spice girl who always had to wear the scummy gym clothes while the others wore mini skirts and leopard print leotards). Being the pudgier girl means that she also has some “problems of self” and according to her bio on their website poetry helps her to “make sense of her own brain :p” note: the emoticon is used to show that she is down to earth and doesn’t take herself to seriously like skinny girls.


Chandler
The unfortunately named Chandler is the most passionate member of the group. She idolizes the Jonas brothers and how dedicated they are to their music and she tries to incorporate these values into her own life. Chandler is also the most attractive member, if only for Tori’s comparative non-petiteness.


Ally
Ally is the member of the group who you look at and can’t help but think that she will be the victim of date rape at some point in her life. She isn’t ugly (but not quite attractive either. An uglier more boring Tina Fey) and she is thin making her more likely to succumb to the effects of alcohol making life easier for the rapist as he doesn’t need to use any sort of pill, avoiding any unwanted court cases. Not that she looks like the type that would exchange her dignity for one rapist behind bars anywayz.

TBCP are a justifiably overlooked band due to their boring girlness and twilight theme. Although one song grabbed me in a way that no other has in a while. The girls have done a cover of Linkin Park’s “numb” a pre-teen angst anthem (we just have to assume that Tori chose this one because… y’know) that just stole my heart and never gave it back.